Wounds Will Heal, But You’ll Never Be Over It

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

One out of every 6 females in the US are the victims of “attempted or completed sexual assault”.

I don’t want to speak for any other person, so please understand this is MY story and MY experience. I speak for myself only.

Sexual assault was just part of growing up. I was touched as a child both by other children and adults. some of that child to child interaction was based off of curiosity by both parties, but a portion was blatantly non-consensual on my part. I think we can all agree that any adult to child experience I had was nonconsensual and move on… 

My first sexual experience was heavy petting that went too far, which led to me saying no, no, no, please I’m a virgin, no….and then silence, which the other party took as consent, I’m sure. 

Without going into more triggering details, sexual assault was just another element of my human experience. I learned that: my boundaries didn’t matter, I was not protected by anyone around me, and I was only there for others to use as they pleased. I was an adult before I realized that many of these events were rape and sexual assault, but by then I was numb against the emotions that should have come with that revelation. 

I suffered through my 20’s with all that untreated trauma until I had enough and received years of various types of talk and group therapy. I finally had a hold of my life, true self esteem, better thought processes, healthier boundaries and saw myself elevating in most areas of my life. I could talk about past trauma and not be numb but healed. Or, so I thought. 

I pursued a career as a promoter and personality in the local hip hop scene. As a female, in a male dominated industry, it was a struggle gaining respect as a PERSON, let alone as a female. I know other women who slept their way into opportunities and refused to be seen as that. I kept my sexual relationships discreet and wore more conservative clothing. I wanted to be judged on my skills, not my sexuality. 

I was a few years in and on the right track when I started collaborating with another promoter in my city. He was married with children and kept things 100% business when we spoke. He let me put a few artists in different shows, gave me VIP meet and greet tickets to all of his, and in return, I would help promote and organize the show – whatever was needed.

There was one show where the artists I managed didn’t sell the amount of tickets we had promised. After the event ended, my friend and I were in the green room with this promoter. He asks, “So what happened with your artist?” I begrudgingly repeated the same excuse to him my artist had given to me. When I give my word it means a lot, and it’s never okay for an artist to not hold up their end of the agreement. As their manager, my name is on the line, too. The promoter asked my friend is she could let us talk. Without hesitation, she exits the green room, and I’m thinking he’s trying to save my dignity by bitching me out alone. 

But that’s not what happened. 

He locked the door and proceeded to try and put his hand up my knee length pencil skirt, rubbed his genitals on me, try to kiss me and “persuade” me to engage in sex right there on that green room couch. I somehow maneuvered myself away from him, unlocked the door and found my friend. 

“Let’s go outside I need to smoke RIGHT NOW,” I told her. She saw the urgency on my face and once outside asked what was going on. “Don’t ever leave me alone with him again, I almost got raped,” I told her in disbelief. She wanted to confront him but, in that moment,, I went into flight mode: it’s his word against mine, I had been drinking, I just started as a promoter and people will treat me different, it’ll just cause more issues than it’s worth. I convinced us both to just walk away from the moment, and I continued to work with this man. 

There had been more of a sexual tone with the promoter after that. He would compliment me at shows, grope my butt, suggest we do other sexual things. I would just laugh it off or joke about his behavior. Then he started taking away the privileges he had originally given me like VIP meet and greets and putting artists on events. I knew it was because he finally realized he wasn’t going to get sex from me and that was the only reason he had done it in the first place. I felt disrespected one night and angrily text him, “One day someone will Harvey Weinstein you and I will be there with a #metoo.” 

“Callie, I apologized to you. I don’t know what you want from me.” He admitted to everything.

He had never really apologized for anything specific; he once made a comment after reading a social media post of mine that made him feel guilty and said if he had done anything to offend me in the past, he apologized… right. 

I told a few people what happened. Some wanted to say something, and I told them not to. That time had passed, and it would be more of an ordeal that I wanted to deal with. Eventually, his wife found out and called me. She urged me to not go public because they were already suffering with family problems and she couldn’t handle that right then. I told her I had no plans to.

Another strong woman in the music industry had joined forces with this promoter, becoming the VP of marketing. She found out and called me. I told her the story. She apologized on his behalf for, “acting in a way I found disrespectful”, and said she understood why I was upset. At the end of the conversation, she added, “You know if you go public with this, it will ruin my career.” I was floored that she even said such a thing, that HER career was more important. 

Word got out to more people, but the majority of them saw this promoter as a way to elevate their career and chose to turn their head. I didn’t blame them; I mean I even continued to work for him after the violation. Why shouldn’t they? 

News about a popular DJ sexually assaulting a few ladies in the area broke. He was immediately fired and ostracized, forced to remove himself from social media and from the music scene as a whole. A few of these artists who knew about my situation and still continued to work with the promoter start using sexual assault as a way to get some pats on the back and social attention. 

“If any of you ladies ever experience this type of thing, let me know. There’s no room in the DFW music scene for men like that.” Yet this person talked to me about what happened in that green room and was a huge supporter of this promoter and reaped all the benefits that came with that. After a few more of these types made their stance against sexual assault, knowing full well that their icon was accused of such acts, from a woman they actually knew and worked with, and did nothing…  I reached the end of my give-a-fucks. 

I had to call these fools out. My wounds from past and current trauma were open and bleeding. I was once again unprotected, unable to ensure my personal boundaries were respected, and once again used by people who had no regards for my needs. I was being hurt by those in the music scene I had grown to consider a family. It made me hate doing the thing I love with all of my heart. I no longer wanted to be a part of something I helped build. I felt like I didn’t matter, and it cut me deep and wide. 

So, I came forward. 

“Do you see what she wears at events, though?”

“Callie gets so drunk, even I could have fucked her.”

“Why is she saying something NOW if it was that big of a deal?”

“She’s just clout chasing.”

Everything people say to minimize sexual assault were said, but this time it was about me. People chose sides and this promoter was doing bigger and better things than myself, so I wasn’t the popular choice. My own friends chose to continue to work with him although they let me know what he did wasn’t right. I met with him and told him I forgave him and moved along with my life. 

If I said that coming out about the situation didn’t hurt my career, I’d be lying. I felt a noticeable difference in the type of respect I got and by whom. It helped me see who a real supporter was and who was an opportunist. Some even stayed neutral with a stance I couldn’t be mad at. Eventually, we all moved on with our lives and it became a distant memory. 

I found it hard to be around some people. It was harder to trust, and I still did not feel protected. But I also became more self assured, less concerned with approval, and outspoken about what I will and will not allow. I took this as a growing experience and chose to focus on the positive. 

But I never fully healed. I’m no longer traumatized by the event itself and I have forgiven the promoter. The wounds I suffer are from the aftershock. The blatant disregard for the fact I was violated by those close to me. The turned heads of those that continued to work with him, even after knowing. Those who came out AGAINST me, defended him, or even said in so many words that I had deserved it. 

A very smart friend of mine told me, “People mostly don’t know what to do. This isn’t a cop out. Most women are the victims of abuse. Instead of standing together, they usually subconsciously are like – who is she to deserve more protection than me? And men are abusers- so they don’t want to say anything or bring attention, in case it falls back on them. People ain’t shit.”

Then she said something that inspired me to write this blog post: “You’re going to heal but never be over it. It hurts when we trust people and they violate it. I hope you never get immune to the feeling because it’s what makes you such an advocate.” 

I’m not even sure what alternative chain of events could have made any of this better. Saying something when it happened? Keeping it under wraps and going on with my life? Any scenario has its own bag of tricks. The only scenario that would have had a positive ending would be the one where he never locked me in that green room or ever tried to use me like a sexual object. He should have treated me as peer, like he does with the men in his circle. I can only hope that by speaking up, he was able hear the suffering he caused and was able to change. I just hope to let other women know they are not alone, that they find strength in telling their own stories, and heal by taking control of their narratives. 

Callie Dee

Embracing the Madonna-Whore Dilemma: Navigating Love, Desire, and Identity

In the intricate dance of love, desire, and self-identity, many women find themselves caught in the paradox of the Madonna-Whore complex. This psychological concept, coined by Sigmund Freud, describes the dichotomy between seeing women as either pure, nurturing Madonnas or sexually liberated, yet morally tainted whores. As a woman who embodies both aspects – the loving mother and partner as well as the sensual, sexual being – I’ve often found myself grappling with the complexities of this dynamic, especially within the confines of a committed relationship.

On one hand, there’s a deep longing for the stability and adoration that comes with being seen as the Madonna – the devoted partner and nurturing mother who is cherished and revered. Yet, simultaneously, there exists a desire to explore and embrace the more uninhibited, passionate aspects of my sexuality – the “whore” within, if you will – without facing judgment or disapproval from my significant other.

It’s a delicate balancing act, one that is often further complicated when discovering that our partners may seek out the “whore” aspect of attraction elsewhere, whether through fantasy, pornography, or even infidelity. The pain of realizing that our long-term commitment and love may not be enough to fulfill their desires can be devastating.

But why should we have to choose between being either the Madonna or the whore? Can we not be both, authentically and unapologetically, within the confines of a monogamous relationship? This is the question that plagues many of us who yearn for both love and desire in equal measure.

The challenge lies in breaking free from societal norms and expectations that dictate women must fit neatly into one of these prescribed roles. It requires open communication, honesty, and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths that lurk beneath the surface of our relationships.

For me, embracing the Madonna-Whore dilemma means acknowledging and celebrating all facets of my identity – the nurturing mother, the devoted partner, and the sexually empowered woman. It means recognizing that my desires and needs are valid and deserving of fulfillment, even within the confines of a committed relationship.

But it also requires reciprocity from my partner – an acceptance and appreciation of both the Madonna and the whore within me. It means creating a space where we can explore and express our desires openly and without fear of judgment or rejection.

Ultimately, finding balance in the Madonna-Whore dilemma is about reclaiming agency over our own identities and desires. It’s about rejecting the notion that women must conform to narrow, outdated stereotypes and instead embracing the full spectrum of our humanity.

So, can we have it all – love, desire, and fulfillment – without sacrificing one aspect of ourselves for the other? I believe we can. But it requires a shift in mindset, a willingness to challenge societal norms, and a commitment to honoring the complexity of female sexuality.

In the end, perhaps the true path to liberation lies not in choosing between the Madonna and the whore, but in embracing both – and finding a partner who will do the same.

Digits to DMs: The Evolution of Courtship in the Digital Age

[00:00:00] Hey

Callie Dee: everybody, this is CallieD with The Smitten Kitten, where we talk about sex, love, dating, and relationships. I know that I’ve taken a little hiatus lately. I apologize. I feel like when you’re doing something like this that takes a lot of your heart and soul, like a project, you don’t want to just work on it all the time.

And so I had a lot of things going on in my life and I couldn’t give it the proper time and attention it needed. I had some interviews I ended up doing that I didn’t even use because again, I just didn’t have the time and energy to do it. So I apologize. Hopefully I can get back on a schedule and I will release content every week on a Sunday instead of when the fuck I feel like it, but that’s where we’re at right now.

So I have Alexander K on with me today and he’s a local comedian. Go ahead and just tell the people a little bit about yourself. Hey,

Andrew K: how’s it going? I’m Alexander K better known as the villain of comedy. Do showcases around Dallas, [00:01:00] Oklahoma, and yeah, that’s pretty much it. Oh, and I also create a lot of content that I put on YouTube also.

Nice.

Callie Dee: And you’re kind of closely associated with the hip hop industry, and that’s kind of how we came about. Knowing each other and we did have you on last season, whenever I had a co host and I’m not even really quite sure what we talked about. I think we talked about some of the material you use from your dating life and some of those situations and, and if I recall, I just found out that you were just a really nice guy.

You know what I mean? Like, I feel like all your stories kind of ended where you showed a lot of care and empathy and it’s just nice to know that those types of people still exist in this world. So thank you. Putting that out there. Yeah. That’s right. But since then, we’ve kind of been talking about another topic.

Basically, you know, if you want to introduce it real quick and I’ll put my Cali spin on

Andrew K: it. Yeah. The the lost art of getting those digits. It really is a

Callie Dee: lost art. It is. Yeah. [00:02:00] And it’s changed a lot. You see, you have to have pen and paper and write it down. Oh, yeah. I went out this weekend and I went to a strip club and, you know, if you’re a fairly attractive woman in a strip club, you’re going to get some attention, you know and so that’s kind of, you know, I knew I was prepared for it.

I had somebody with me. It wasn’t like a significant other, but it was a man. So it kind of makes people like wonder. And anyway, this guy gave me, he was like, can I give you my business card? And I’m always like, yeah, sure. It’s a business card. But it was blank and handwritten on, like it was card stock cut in the perfect shape for a business card, but it was totally handwritten blue pin.

Oh, Really? That’s a first. Yeah, that’s. I don’t, I don’t think I’m going to call him. So, it

Andrew K: wasn’t like set up to where it had a line and he could write his number.

Callie Dee: No, it was blank. It was straight blank. I think on both sides because I remember flipping it over wondering if he used somebody [00:03:00] else’s business card to give me.

And anyway, I’ll have to go find that business card. Make sure I’m telling you correctly. I just remember I was like, okay, yeah, definitely not calling you. Sorry. How much did

Andrew K: you

Callie Dee: pay for that? I mean, whatever. So yeah, the lost art of getting the digits. So the reason why it’s important to get the digits is so that you can kind of start this courtship process.

Right. And I’m using kind of girl technical terms because you know, that’s what I do. But how would you put that? What, what is courtship in your world?

Andrew K: Yeah, I mean, you know, like you get the number the number pretty much determines like the way you get the number pretty much determines if you go further.

And when you do go further, it’s like you, you call this person and you’re trying to get to know this person. You’re trying to get to know different things about each other. And then you set up the date, you know, or depending on how old you were, you know, when[00:04:00]

Callie Dee: Like something that you generally are trying to do, but I mean, both of those are part of courtship, whether it’s just, you know, casual sex or hookup or a challenge or something more long term, you know, that, I think that kind of all fits in like that courtship realm. And so that’s, that’s basically what it is.

And like you said, how you get the digits kind of shows that initial attraction. Right. So like. If she is quick with it, you know, so what would be a reaction or what would indicate that you probably wouldn’t call her or maybe, I don’t know, like, what does that initial contact kind of say,

Andrew K: well, I mean, there’s different ways to give me a scenario.

I guess there’s different ways to determine, but like, like, let’s say for instance, you walk up and like, Hey, how you doing? And, you know, go through the whole spiel and then it’s like, can I get your phone number and then you know, you may get a look that look. That look might tell you like yeah, don’t take it any further or you may get the sure and then they give you a number and you [00:05:00] know, just by the way they spill it out.

It’s like, yeah, this is not the right number. They don’t give you all the digits. They don’t give you all the things. Yeah, they

Callie Dee: maybe it’s got two extra,

Andrew K: right? Or even well, I’m not going to give you my number, but I got a home girl. Mm hmm. Okay. Like that response right there is like, no, I came to talk to you.

I didn’t come to talk to your home girl Like I don’t even know who she is. She’s not here. Yeah, you know, I mean, so That’s the indication Indications that you knew do know that you want to go further. It’s like, you know, they initiated like okay Hey, let me give you my phone number before you even ask. Mm hmm.

It’s like hey take my number down and it’s like, okay, cool You know what? I mean or? It’s like or they give you the number and be like, make sure you call me, you know, that was the indication. Like, okay, yeah, you can go further, you know, but when it’s just like a quick response or like a weird look or, you [00:06:00] know, or they give you this look like you bothering me, like, right, you know, yeah, that’s, that’s, those are indications like, yeah, I’m not calling this number.

I’m not going to embarrass myself. Right.

Callie Dee: Yeah, and like the significance of exchanging the phone numbers, you know, you want to be able to call them, you know, and again, and we’re going to kind of go over this later, but there used to be an art in, in doing the phone numbers, because that was a way for you to.

Get at them privately, you know, instead of having to like be at school with them or be in that at work with them It’s like you can talk to them outside of those situations Maybe you know show your interest a little bit more right right and then also get to getting to know them And it kind of shows like a symbol of trust and interest because like if a woman doesn’t trust you She’s not gonna give you her phone number You know, and so that’s like a step into like, okay, you know She likes me enough to, to trust me with her phone number, like [00:07:00] I’m not gonna do something crazy or call her all hours of the night, you know stalk them,

Andrew K: whatever.

I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s like, it’s a woman’s world when it comes to that, you know, when it comes to a lot of things about dating, it’s, in my opinion, it’s a woman’s world, it’s like, if I ask for your phone number, you know what I mean, like, You have the option to shut it down right then and there or move forward.

And I’m waiting on your move. You get what I’m saying?

Callie Dee: So, but then the men kind of progress, the actual relationship part that, you know, yes, we give you first access, but then it’s like, you know, for the most part, men determine whether or not. It’s going to be a long term thing, or if it’s going to be like a short term thing, you know what I mean?

So it’s like, y’all are the ones that ask us to marry usually statistically, that’s still a practice, a common practice. If you’re not being you know arranged by your parents or if there’s not, you know, that kind of [00:08:00] situation going on, which does happen in some cultures but the, the man kind of, you know, makes it a, makes or breaks it basically, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And I know women have a say in marrying people and stuff like that too. But as a general rule, you know, we wait for y’all to say, yes, we’re in a relationship. We wait for y’all, like we’re ready, you know, cause we’ve already made our selection like before we gave you access. So like, we’ve already like decided like, okay, yeah, he’s worthy of that.

Cause we’ve had turned out a lot, you know, so we’ve already done our, our, So, that was our first filtering and after like 90 days, if we’re still like around and like, you know, still want to see you and stuff, we pretty much have decided but now, it’s like on you guys to like make it the other way.

Andrew K: Yeah.

And that’s that’s you know, that that has to deal with the lost art of getting a number because it’s like there was a lot of a phone conversation. There was a lot of attention. There was a [00:09:00] lot of detail. There was a lot of things that, that you did in those phone calls, or even in the process of trying to get the phone number, there was a lot of things that you did to determine your next moves.

You know what I mean? And now it’s just like, it’s hard to, it’s hard to determine, you know what I mean?

Callie Dee: Right. And a lot of it now sorry, side note. A little bit of nostalgia back, I think it was the cell phone or beeper era. I knew it wasn’t like around that time, there used to be a phone number. You could give dudes and it would be like, this is the rejection line, you know?

Really? So if you wanted to, if you want to, you know, cause here’s a very real thing too, a lot of times women just do what the guy asks or gives them a fake one because we’re scared because the number one reason. I feel like men kill women is because we slided them in some way. We embarrass them, you know, in front of people, whatever.

And so a lot of times, and you know, it’s more extreme with more. Creepier dudes, [00:10:00] but still, you don’t know who’s a creepy guy and you know, who’s Ted Bundy and who’s not, you know what I’m saying? So a lot of times we give a fake name or a fake number just because we just want it to be easy. We don’t want to upset anybody.

But yeah, the rejection line, man, I

Andrew K: remember When I was in, I never was a club person. I don’t, I’m not, I’m not real big on going out, but when my friends would drag me out to the clubs or whatever, and I would be in there like just uncomfortable, but maybe I saw somebody that I would talk to. So I kind of developed a technique where I didn’t ask for the phone number.

I would start with like, Hey, how you doing? Can I buy you a drink? Yeah, cool. Buy a drink, you know, talk a little bit, leave, come back around, start talking a little bit more, leave, but just don’t stick around. And then I would, I would watch this lady be approached by all these guys and getting all these numbers.

So then at the end of the night, [00:11:00] when everybody’s out in the parking lot, I would just walk by and do the like elbow touch, like, hey, have a nice night. I’m like, wait a minute. You ain’t you ain’t gonna give me your phone number. Bam. Gotcha. You know what I mean? So, that used to work for me. That worked. That worked a lot for me but II had that technique II don’t know how I came up with that but that’s a good technique.

Yeah, that was something I did just like to avoid getting rejected because like if I came around a lot of times, I would know like, oh, she’s not trying to talk to me. So, let me stop doing this. You know what I mean? So, yeah.

Callie Dee: It’s like a little bit of dangling the carrot a little bit. It’s like, it’s that push and pull.

It’s like, oh wait, is he interested in me? I don’t even know. So, you know, it kind of intrigues you a little bit. Whereas we’re used to, especially, you know, after that one Pickup artists wrote the book and like it’s all about a numbers game and just I don’t know I feel like there was a decline in chivalry as far as that’s [00:12:00] concerned like around that area But when it started being cool to be a fuckboy, you know, and and bragging about it and and having women just I don’t know Yeah Want that?

I don’t I don’t know what happened. But anyway you have to almost like a, a, a certain point, we’re tired of being just a numbers game. Right. And so you would just straight up turn down people at first, cause you know, like I’m sure you’re giving it to everybody, like, you know so with, with the little scenario you gave kind of makes my defenses go down

Andrew K: a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. I came around, it was like, I started, I always started with the drink. Mm. Hmm. Cause if you let me buy you a drink, then that’s like an open door almost of conversations like, or she’s just a

Callie Dee: girl and likes free

Andrew K: drinks. Well, yeah, but still she like, like, nobody’s going to accept the drink. No, not knowing that, you know, conversation is going to come [00:13:00] along with that.

Right. And it just, like, I might buy you the drink and we might get to talk in and I can tell like, by your facial expressions or the way we talk or whatever is like. Yeah. Don’t come around no more. Just, you know, you just took a loss. Just buy a drink. Walk off. You know what I mean? Or it’s like we, we would talk or whatever.

And then we get to that point where the conversation slows down and I’ll be like, Hey, let me go check on my friends real quick. I’ll be right back. I’ll talk to you in a minute. Cool. And then I would go with my friends, but I would watch this woman, you know, like watch guys approach this woman. Yeah. You know, I mean, and then I would just wait to another point to come back around and speak again.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, it just kind of worked for me for a while. So

Callie Dee: it really the number one reason why that’s kind of not even a thing anymore And I guess what we’re talking about this is the rise of social media. So once there was like a MySpace or a Facebook, [00:14:00] instead of having to give our phone numbers out or even ask for the phone number, you just got their MySpace or Facebook or Instagram, Twitter, you know, the list goes on and on and on, right?

And so that kind of changed the whole access or needing the access even, because I think it’s kind of like a two way street. So obviously the ease of initial contact. So you didn’t even really have to leave your house anymore to like meet people, especially with my space. Right. So you’re like, you see a girl or a guy and he has cute friends and you like, try to go find his friends.

And then, you know, everybody was adding everybody cause they wanted that like number to be so high to like prove that they were cool. Right. And I remember just talking to and reconnecting with people that I hadn’t seen. In forever, but talking to people that I might not have, you know, met otherwise. So it was easier to, to get that private conversation without having to go into public, right?

And also on top of that, you could get to know the person a little bit better before Before taking that step to like maybe [00:15:00] go out with them alone. So, I mean, I know for a fact that when I get, you know, a guy that’s interested in me or something and And either I find out or he makes it obvious or whatever, like, I’m going to go check out his profile and I’m going to see who he follows.

Cause the number one indication to me that you’re a fuck boy is that you follow a bunch of chicks especially, or you’re one of the, the ones susceptible to the.

The internet thought bots, you know, and I know that’s, that’s a double edged sword there too, but I’m not interested in somebody who has an obsession like that, right? So if it’s a couple, like if you follow Kim K or maybe your favorite porn star or, you know, but if it’s like, Percentage wise, if it’s a good chunk of like a third of your.

Activity, then I [00:16:00] don’t know, like, it, it makes me question whether or not I can trust you, first of all. And then it makes me insecure cause like, you know, you obviously have, I mean, those standards are so out, out there, right? Right. Those type of women. So then I’m wondering like, is my ass big enough?

Is my, you know, you know, and it’s not, it’s not that they did anything, but I’m wondering because I know you have. A third of these bitches with like, like standards that are only, you can only pay for it.

Andrew K: See, I have this, I have this joke that I wrote and I’ve been testing the joke out, but this is my theory on guys, you know, like it’s funny cause I know, I know guys on Facebook that are married, wife and kids.

But if you look at their profile picture, it’s like they’re trying to date, like, like they don’t have none of their family in their pictures and they take, they have these poses, like, look at me, [00:17:00] look at the side of my face, you know what I mean? And it’s like, so, and then there’s this, there’s an instance where like, I’ll get a friend request from this, like, Impeccable woman.

Right. And it’s like, I don’t know this bitch. You know? Right. I’m sorry, I meanly, but it’s okay. Like

Callie Dee: it’s, I don’t know her. We mean bitch lovingly on this show. Yeah. I don’t

Andrew K: know her. Mm-hmm. , you know what I’m saying? Like who is this? You know what I’m saying? And then you look to see, ’cause it says you have three friends.

Mutual, yeah, three mutual friends. And you look to see, and then you click on it and there’s your friend with the side of his face and it’s like, you dumb ass boy. You gotta wipe, you know what I mean? And I’ve, I believe like, well, for the sake of the joke, for the sake of the joke that I wrote, these women are manufactured in Montana.

You know what I’m saying? Like nobody goes to Montana because you never see these women in public. You know what I mean? [00:18:00] So nobody goes to Montana. These women are manufactured in Montana and they’re here to capture the weakness of these lame ass dudes. They, you know what I mean? Like with profile pictures of the side of their face and just like, you know, like this woman’s body is Incredible and it’s and that’s all the pictures that she has showing off her body I’ve seen one where this lady is like the picture is from the bottom of her nose down And it’s like I don’t know her.

She’s not even showing her eyes. You know what I mean? But I got three friends that have her as a friend. That’s

Callie Dee: hilarious. And it’s so right. And I guess my thing is, is I want, I want to know that like the man that I am with has self control because, you know, I’m not, I’m not attracted to just. You know, like the men that I’m attracted to are attractive to many other women and which is fine.

Like, I’m not like that part doesn’t threaten me, but if you know, you tell me that it’s a certain way and you know, you can’t even control, like [00:19:00] it’s one thing to look, but then you have to follow, you have to comment, you have to like it. And then you’re liking like all of these ones. And it’s always like, you know what I’m saying?

Like that, that just doesn’t appeal to me because I

Andrew K: get it. Or

Callie Dee: if they’re women that. Like live here, like girls in our circle or whatever. And you’re liking their fucking bikini pictures. Well, then they automatically think they can get you. And like, how dare you disrespect me by making some other woman think that there’s a chance like, and I know that’s super like strong opinionated and kind of silly, but that’s really how I feel.

You

Andrew K: know, I get it. But like part of it,

Callie Dee: I tried, I tried to reign that part of me in, but honestly, it’s like a S it’s a sign of disrespect to me. You, you know, like flirt with, or you know, you know what I mean? Like, just make any woman think that she has a chance with you. It should be like fucking cut off at the fucking like gate.

Yeah. You know, like,

Andrew K: I don’t know. But part of that is like, part of it is [00:20:00] like this, this realm of like imagination, right? That leads to conversations that you have at the boys club, a k a, the bar, right? There’s some guy that comes up. That you don’t even know I’ve had this happen some guy. You don’t even know y’all just drinking and do spark up a conversation about sports It’s like man.

Look at this bitch. Look at this bitch. Look at this bitch. I’ll fuck this bitch. No, you didn’t bro Right. No, you didn’t you know what I mean? And I’ve had that happen to me and it’s the type of women that we’re talking about Like you’ve never seen these women dog. You’ve never been to Montana, right? I’m saying I’m sorry.

Callie Dee: Yeah so anyway, that’s, that’s kind of one of my things with with social media, I guess, as it pertains to in a courtship situation. You know, it kind of reinvented the courtship rituals because we have. An ease of access, you get to, to figure them out sooner. And so a lot of times, you know, we’ll have like a whole dating thing where like we just exchange messages on Instagram or [00:21:00] whatever, and, and there’s not actually ever really any need for phone conversation.

And so like, it gives us kind of challenges and pitfalls in, you know, dating,

Andrew K: But that, that can be scary too, that, because like, It’s like a voice, you know, like to hear somebody’s voice, right? And the way they like describe things is one thing. But when you’re texting, it’s like, you know, you could, you could just accidentally left your phone on all caps and then it’s like, why are you yelling at me?

No, I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to yell at you. I was just trying to hurry up and get the message across or I don’t know if you’ve had this situation where you could be driving and somebody’s texting you. You don’t text back in a timely manner to them. Right. And they get mad, like mm-hmm. , I text you, why you text me because I’m driving.

You know what I mean? So, yeah. Yeah.

Callie Dee: That, that I had a role with ’cause I all my phone, I have it on do not to disturb like all the time. Mm-hmm. and you know, the [00:22:00] only people that at one point could get through were my children. And so when I started dating This last time, that was kind of like, you know, cause he was trying to do the nice chivalrous thing and call me instead of texting me or whatever.

And it kept going to voicemail and he finally said one time he was like, ma’am, you want me to just stop calling you? And I was like, Oh no. Like, so I had to like have his number bypassed. And then I was like, maybe it would be good if my boss could contact me. You know, where I pick up the phone because I was doing that to my boss all the time too.

So and then we have like this kind of a first established rule once we start being serious that if I call, he picks up even if it’s just to tell me like, hey, I’m busy. I’ll call you back later. You know what I mean? Out of respect, obviously, like we weren’t like sticklers on that. But for the most part, if I called, he picked up and vice versa, right?

And so there’s a little bit more of an intimacy thing even outside of social media about who you call, right? Mhm. Because a lot of times, you know, we talked about the filtered reality a little bit [00:23:00] regarding social media, like having that be like our basis, obviously, like, you’re never going to see somebody bad day or what they’re really like, it’s like a curated

life. And so it also increases like those shallow, shallow interactions. If you’re not calling somebody and just talking to them and asking them how their day is. You know, you’re probably not going to find out a whole lot from them, not in the DMS, really. Like I’m not going to give you my life story in the DM.

Andrew K: Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And I mean, cause I, I don’t even like reading long texts. So, you know what I

Callie Dee: mean? I am a novel writer. I’ve got like, I have

Andrew K: to work on that. Oh no. Yeah. No, trust me. I used to be like that. I used to, but people shut me down. Like start writing novels. You know what I’m saying? It’s like, Oh, my bad.

You know what I mean? I’m a writer. It’s So, it’s but I got to you know what taught me to lower my twitter taught me to lower my my text conversations down and I don’t [00:24:00] even use twitter anymore but back when I did you had to kind of fit so much in that little space. I think they expanded just a little bit now but I was coming up with all kind of creative way.

Seriously, I seriously I don’t I don’t have a theory that I started on like like I don’t know. Mm hmm. I started the IO in. I swear I did and then all of a sudden because this is like when Twitter first came out, I used to do that because I was like, how how would I say I don’t instead of saying,

Callie Dee: right? We we started doing all the just letters and everything and

Andrew K: then I’ll put I IO in and then you know, I’ll be like, I don’t know.

You know what I mean? And then It caught on and like, I know nobody else thought about that. I believe I started that.

Callie Dee: Whatever. We’ll have to, we’ll have to get somebody like forensically. I mean, there’s a way to do that. Yeah. Look, I’m, I’m borderline CIA, so I could probably figure out like when the first day that ever was, I’m, I’m just [00:25:00] neurotic and I think of everything.

And so if I really want to find information out, I can which is like both a blessing and a curse all at once. Cause I probably shouldn’t know any of this stuff on how to get information. Like I just shouldn’t, it’s just, you know, it’s not good. Let’s see. Okay. So the diminishing importance of phone numbers kind of started at the, the dawn of social media, right?

Yeah. And the social media profiles offer kind of a more comprehensive snapshot of someone’s life. Mm hmm. But there’s a lot of misrepresentation and then the loss of human connection. And yeah, at the end of the day, you know, we all want that like human touch or feel important. And when you know that people like, especially I know I don’t call anybody really like I just won’t unless it’s important, right?

I feel like it’s, even though like there’s a lost art in getting it, cause we have like the social media thing that we’re, we’re doing instead I feel like it’s still like a [00:26:00] symbol of like genuine interest and, and trust and all the things that we kind of said earlier. So you know, you also get like anticipation and excitement about calling people, you know, or, or waiting for somebody, like when somebody calls you, like make you happy, unless it’s telemarketers.

Andrew K: Yeah. True, true. Like, yeah, that, I mean, you know I’ve had relationships to where like, I really wanted to hear from this person and then you get that call and then, you know, guys do their little celebration, you know what I mean? Right. It’s like, and then you just answer the phone all suave like, hey, hey, hello, how you doing?

But you know you’re excited as hell, you know what I’m saying,

Callie Dee: but. Well, one of the first signs of disinterest is lack of communication. You you up all the time, then now it’s taking them longer or they don’t like make you a priority in their day you know, that’s definitely. And then let’s say you’re used to talking to this person two or three times a day.

And then all of a sudden that just like immediately drops off, you know, cause they want space [00:27:00] or something like that’s just like, that’s almost like a drug. I mean, going from hearing from this person all the time to not hearing from them at all, like. Like, you know, is, is pretty drastic and you know, especially if it’s something that’s out of the blue that maybe you weren’t prepared for, like if somebody just kind of comes out one day and is like, I need a break and like, you really weren’t seeing it, like come to that at least.

Cause you could definitely like diminish a little bit of phone or contact, but still maintain it. But when it’s abrupt and it’s like, you know, I want space or whatever, and you’re not supposed to, you do the whole no contact thing. Like that’s almost like a detox.

Andrew K: Yeah, you know what? It’s just by saying all this, it kind of made me wonder because like me and my ex, like, before we live together, it was like, you know, phone calls, text messages all the time but when we started living together, my theory was like, like in the morning, I would be at work and then I would just text like, hey, [00:28:00] babe, good morning, have a good day at work.

Right. But I wouldn’t call her. Right. I used to text and call, you know, like, but then she told me like I, I still want to hear from you in the mornings, but I’m just like, we live together. Right. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t know. It was just kind of threw me off. It wasn’t I wasn’t interested in talking to her, but it’s like, I see you every

Callie Dee: day now.

Yeah. And if you’re only in like, and for me, I guess since my last marriage to the, the, my two younger one’s father haven’t really had a situation where I wanted to necessarily move somebody in I’ve just had it in my head that I’m not going to live with anybody until my kids are out of my house.

So I, I don’t ever like texting and social media and like that kind of communication is important for our relationship because we don’t live together. You know, and so we’re going to have a lot of time apart because that’s just the life that I’ve chosen. I don’t want to move a man into my house.

I’m sorry. [00:29:00] Like my daughter is a teenager. I am not putting somebody through that. Oh, yeah. And I don’t want it to hurt the dynamic of my relationship because my kids can be shitheads sometimes, you know so, and that’s just what it is. It’s not their child, you know, it’s, it’s a very, it’s troubled waters to navigate and not, it’s really hard.

I, I see people who like get remarried and have like these blended families like so easily and naturally. And I’m like, how the did you do that? Right. I just, you know, it’s, It’s definitely, that’s, that’s a lost art form, but that’s another show.

Andrew K: Anyway, if I could just add to that, I do a I have these, this series of content that I put on my YouTube channel called the stepdad.

I think you told me that. Yeah. Yeah. And the stepdad is pretty much the, the premises of the story is I have. She’s not a white. Well, she’s not my wife. Let’s just put it that way. She’s like, I’m seeing somebody that has a grown son [00:30:00] that still lives at home. Okay. And I’m you know, and it just shows the dad’s like the guy’s perspective of dealing with this grown person.

You know what I mean? So, it’s kind of funny because it’s like in the same vein of what we’re talking about. Yeah.

Callie Dee: And so, I guess they’re You know, and then you also don’t want somebody who’s like constantly on your stuff and like just blowing your shit up either. That becomes kind of annoying and then, and then really, let’s be honest, everybody loses respect and you know, might start treating them some kind of way because they’re so clingy or what have you.

Right. So there’s definitely a balance between convenience and meaningful connections. I think I lose this sometimes in my relationship. Because, you know, we’ve been doing this thing where we talk all the time throughout the day. And again, we don’t live with each other. So we kind of rely on that a lot.

And I feel like sometimes I forget that he doesn’t necessarily want to know every thought in my head, you know, so I’ll call him and tell him some shit that makes me [00:31:00] excited and he really don’t give a fuck. But poor guy, he still picks up and he makes a response and he keeps going along. Right. And so, you know, there’ll be times where.

We might be getting on each other’s nerves or, you know, the relationship is like at one of those crossroads or what have you, we’re like, she’s just not awesome all the time. Like I still love him, but it’s not awesome. And I have to kind of go back through and be like, Oh yeah, you know, I kind of have been like, Tell him a bunch of stuff that he doesn’t care about,

Andrew K: you know, because of your, because of your real connections, as far as phone conversations.

I think he picks that up. Like, yeah, he may not be in a mood to hear it, but it’s like, Hey, this is important to her. You know, you could tell, you can’t tell that

Callie Dee: he’s a man. He doesn’t think any of those things, but he answers the phone and he’s like, what the fuck? And then he goes about his day. No, I’m just kidding.

I’m just kidding. I don’t, I don’t know. I’m not going to say that I know what’s inside his head. I’m just like on the outside thinking like, you know, maybe I could like not. [00:32:00] Word bombing on them all the time, you know, like, I’m sorry, but that’s, that’s the thing, right?

Andrew K: I mean, because like, if, if I walk up to a lady and I’m like, Hey, can I, you know, can we exchange phone numbers?

And she’s like, no, you can have my Instagram. Number one, you just want fans. You know what I mean? That’s how I’m going to look at it. You want fans. I do that all the time. If I were to like, I can’t like entertain that and DM you back and forth. There’s no way that I’m going to know like any type of like actual like invisible boundaries.

You know what I’m saying? Like, like, you know, somebody dealing with me probably can like they they can figure out like, hey, his conversations getting kind of low. I think he wants to be left alone for a while. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you’ll know that if you talk to me, but if we’re texting back and forth, you’re not going to know that.

Yeah. You know, and vice versa. It’s like, I’m not going to know genuine. Things [00:33:00] about you are invisible boundaries about you, unless I’m talking to

Callie Dee: you, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I feel like we, just as a society, and men, I think more than women, because they haven’t been given the safe space to have feelings, really.

It’s all about, like, make money, provide, you know, be… The man, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And so you know, it’s changing a little bit. I think our younger generations are available to have feelings. And I think some of them might have more feelings than that even really exists in this world, but whatever.

But you know, a lot of times men withdraw. And so we take that as a a sign of, you know, they want space. And so we give them space and then they, you know, think whatever, like then it’s like miscommunicated that, you know. For example, me because I’m just neurotic, if he withdraws and he’s not paying attention to me, like immediately, I think there’s somebody else.

Whereas when I withdraw, maybe I’m going through some stuff, so I’m not trying to like, you know, word vomit on him or whatever. When I [00:34:00] withdraw, then it’s like, you know, he automatically thinks I’m unhappy and it’s not that I’m unhappy, I’m just going through something right now and I’m trying to work it out.

Right. And, but we are a society that both of us do that. And then we create the space in between us and then it’s hard to come back from, right? And so I feel like, you know, communication, however you do it, if it has to be social media, if it has to be, you know, contact over the phone because you don’t live with each other, but if you live with each other, instead of letting that grow you know, just like mention it like, Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been like withdrawing lately and it’s starting to kind of make me wonder something, you know, is there somebody else?

Like, is there something I need to know? I can. Just wondering, you know, or vice versa, like, hey, I noticed, you know, you’ve been like, whatever, like, are you happy? Is everything okay? Is there something I can help you with? You know what I mean? And so we need to have those conversations, period. And I, I feel like with social media too we’re not having those conversations.

We’re looking for outside validation. And so then we start scrolling and looking at fat [00:35:00] asses or posting pictures of us wearing nothing, you know, waiting for the guys to, to, to react over it or, you know, just whatever we’re talking, you know, we’re doing these other activities other than actually talking to each other.

Right. And so I think that’s kind of one of like the downsides too and why having communication via phone is so important. Yeah. Sorry. I went on. I went real deep there for a second. No, no, no, no, no.

Andrew K: That was good.

Callie Dee: Yeah. But at the same time we have to like step away from social media. And have that balance so you don’t want like a whole relationship built on social media like you really need to have like outside conversations in person conversations, you know

So, how do people navigate the the landscape of dating so if you’re okay If you’re a woman, okay, if you’re a guy wanting a woman’s number, you said you don’t really like it when they just give you Instagram right away, well, will you take it and then maybe try to build a relationship that way and then ask them, or if it like, how does that work for [00:36:00] me,

Andrew K: Instagram?

No, if you offer me your Instagram my interest is cut right then and there because. The way I view Instagram, Instagram is like for, to me, it’s for you to get yourself out there, whatever you’re doing, you know, like whatever hustle you have, whatever level you’re trying to achieve, everybody has an Instagram because, you know, it’s like, I want people to look at my life and what I have going on.

And, like be inspired, be jealous or you know, whatever have you, you know what I’m saying? So that’s the way I look at Instagram. So if you offer me your Instagram, I’m just, I’m not interested.

Callie Dee: All right, ladies, if you’re single out there and that’s your go to when a nice gentleman asks you for your phone number and then you’re wondering why you’re only getting fuck boys and you know, not being able to really develop any genuine chemistry, maybe just for a little while change

Andrew K: that.[00:37:00]

Now, Facebook is a more.

More like personal, I guess. Thing.

Callie Dee: So you’re okay with Facebook, just not Instagram. I know a lot of people that don’t have a Facebook, but

Andrew K: yeah, I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of people that yeah. So yeah, I’m just, you know, Or even just offer your email, that’s cool, like, you know what I mean? I don’t know,

Callie Dee: like.

I had a that reminds me of a story. So when I started, when I first started being a blogger in Dallas and, and covering events. I was very singularly focused and to the extent where I didn’t really want guys to view me as like a sexual object because it just makes it really hard just to do stuff because, you know, they, they’re not listening to me.

Don’t take me seriously or just trying to fuck me, whatever. And so I would like dress down and I would basically kind of what I’m wearing right now. Shorts, t shirt flip flops or sandals of some sort, maybe some tennis shoes. Might’ve done my hair a little bit, but nothing like really low on the makeup because I wanted to be [00:38:00] taken seriously as a person in this industry.

Anyway, so one of the first events that I wrote about this guy that I was attracted to, and I saw him like when I first pulled up in stuff he came over and said something to me, like, you know, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Like literally, and my dumb butt was just. I don’t know what I was thinking, but we started talking about just, you know, our different projects and stuff like that.

And so he told me a little bit about his, and I think I ended up mentioning it in the blog, right? Oh, and then, so he asked me for my phone number and I gave him my card that doesn’t have my phone number on it, but it has my email and my vlog on it. And so he ended up reading the blog and then emailing me and being like, you know, Hey, by the way, I was like trying to hit on you when I said that, you know?

And it, it, I don’t know why it didn’t cross my mind. I, I just, it didn’t. But he totally emailed me and then we emailed back and forth a little bit. And and then finally he was like, Hey. Here’s my phone number if you want to text me and then, you know, we moved there but yeah, at one time now I have a card that has like my Instagram, [00:39:00] Facebook, like a link tree code on it, still no phone number and so there was a time where, where I guess I, I made somebody email me before he got my phone

Andrew K: number.

Yeah, I mean. That would work for me. I mean, that, that, well,

Callie Dee: how do you turn that down? You know what I’m saying? Like he read my blog, he commented on it. He even, I mean, he noticed when I mentioned him and then like, you know, was cute about it. And then, so I felt a little bit more safer to give him my phone number.

Cause I don’t know, like I might, I might have given it to him looking back, but I already know how it ended. So,

so if a girl gives you Instagram, it’s an automatic, no, I’m trying to think of like. So I’ll be honest with you. I’m at a point in my life that if, if a guy comes at me the correct way and I mean, this is me outside of a relationship. Okay. I, I feel like there’s a, For women and men too, there’s a certain energy about leaving yourself open for the possibility of love instead of like [00:40:00] shutting all these, like, suitors down especially for us, it takes us a while for y’all to grow on us, like, we might find out somebody’s cute like three weeks down the road, there’s just like all these, and if you’re funny, like, you could definitely win in the, in the looks department, but we’re not gonna figure that out until we get to know you a little bit, right?

Right. And so I got to a point You know in my journey where somebody had mentioned like being open, not having masculine energy so that like men would, would actually, you know, try or, or try to be chivalrous or whatever. And so you know, if a man tried to help me to do something instead of being like, no, no, I got it because I’m like an independent, strong woman, I would be like, oh yeah, would you please?

Oh, thanks. You’re so strong, you know, and just like try to like invoke that like part of me. Because I found out that whenever I’d get into a relationship or maybe a potential relationship I still carry that masculine energy. And at the end of the day. Most guys want a feminine woman, like somebody that they can feel like a man around.

And if you’re both with that masculine energy, it just creates a whole different dynamic. And so, if I were [00:41:00] to be single again I probably, for a while, would just give my number out and see who comes at me correctly, and if they come at me correctly then I’ll go on a date with them, because there’s nothing wrong in like having a nice dinner and, you know, being like And then it creates this very desirable energy inside of you that other men start to notice and then men that, you know, you, you might actually date or whatever, you know, or maybe the guy in front of you turns into be that person.

But if you like deny it right off the bat, then you have no chance. So I’m almost in the, the, so it’s a good that you said something about the Instagram. So don’t give the Instagram, give your actual number and just see what happens. Right.

Andrew K: And, and, Even now, like what you were saying, like me now at the, at the age that I am now.

And, you know, my approach and everything, I don’t even ask for the phone number anymore. Okay. What do you give my number? [00:42:00] Okay. I’m just like, we’ll talk. I think

Callie Dee: that’s where you’re going wrong now. I mean, not to that you asked me, but I feel like Women like it when a man makes the effort they do and I, and I feel like if you leave it up to us, then it’s like, I don’t know what to say.

I don’t want him to think I’m too thirsty, you know, and like all of that kind of situation. So maybe just, I don’t know, do an experiment. And instead of doing that, ask for their number. And then if they turn you down, then say, well, Hey, I’d really like to talk to you. Here’s my phone number if you’d like.

So it kind of gives like a an extra little oomph of, of instead of, cause you know, again, we’re used to men that just play the numbers game. And so they ask us and then, you know, whatever, whatever. Or they give out their number. Yeah. Like,

Andrew K: cause even, even when I was dealing with like dating, so I, I would never do that again, but when I was dealing with dating sites, I would speak with someone and I would like to come out.

I’m like, I like how this is going. And then I would just say, Hey, listen. Whenever you’re comfortable, we can chat on here if [00:43:00] you’d like, but here’s my number, right? Whenever you’re comfortable, give me a call or text me or whatever that way. So I just carried that on to like, if I walk downstairs right now and see someone that I’m attracted to and I start talking to her and I’m just, I might just be like, Hey, listen, let me give you my phone number and we can talk later.

You know what I mean? That’s just the way I approach it now, I don’t know. Yeah.

Callie Dee: Yeah. Well, I’m just saying from a girl’s point of view. Yeah, I just did. Is there anything else you wanted to add? I feel like we covered a lot. Yeah. Yeah. So basically getting the number like kind of shows that initial attraction, right?

That still hasn’t changed. So basically in what you, you just relayed to me is when a girl gives you or a woman, sorry gives you her Instagram, maybe that’s not a sign of attraction. You feel like, like she wasn’t attracted to you enough to give you the phone number or how do you take that?

Andrew K: Yeah.

Because [00:44:00] I mean, it’s just like the, the, the thought of Instagram, the, the vision of Instagram, right. It just makes you think like, Oh, this person wants fans. You know what I mean? I mean, like that’s just the automatic thought. Cause like. You can watch have you ever seen those videos on YouTube where this guy has this, you know, expensive car parked on the sidewalk and then some lady walked by and he’s like, Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

And then she’s like, no, no, I don’t got time. I’m going to the store and he’s like, okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Then he, you know, clicks the alarm and walks to this car and then she’s like, oh, is that your car? And now all of a sudden she wants

Callie Dee: to talk. Yeah. I think we talked about this

Andrew K: one time.

Yeah. And all of them, all, every woman in there is like, you can have my Instagram. And it’s like, you know what I mean? When you see that a lot, that gives you a bad taste. Like Instagram is for fans. You know what I mean?

Callie Dee: And, and, you know, it’s still kind of an [00:45:00] evolutionary part of us where we are attracted to men with status, whatever that means, whether it’s you know, put a guitar into my hands, put them on stage and have like, All these women and screaming at them, all of a sudden they’re like more attractive.

And it’s actually, there’s scientific data to back up. I’m sorry, I’m such a nerd with this stuff, guys. But seriously, there’s scientific data across cultures where if a man walks in by himself, they’ll rate him. Right. And then the man walks in with like two attractive women and his status immediately goes up.

For a whole myriad of reasons, probably another one like, well, you know, if they’re comfortable with him and he seems safe with them, then, you know, whatever. But we’re attracted to status and I know that’s something that men really like have a problem with. Thinking of like gold diggers and I understand that that’s a thing too but it’s like something that’s so evolutionary.

Like you can’t really fold it. Like we can’t fault y’all for wanting to like fought bots because y’all have this like innate need to populate their [00:46:00] earth,

Andrew K: you know, see that and mimic like in real life that might not be what you want. It just looks good on paper. You get

Callie Dee: what I’m saying? We’re talking about like.

Years and years and years of genetic predis, predis, or predisposition of, it’s not just the, the fittest that survive, but it’s the fittest that could also mates, right? Because you could be the most fittest, whatever, and if you can’t find somebody to take your seat, or if we can’t find somebody, you know, we might be like the, well, it’s a little easier for us.

So I’m just gonna stick with the analogy of you guys. You know, if you can’t get somebody to actually take your seed, then you know your genetics like die. And we just. You know, we’re getting overpopulated now, but that’s only been in the last hundred years. So we have like just millions, however long they say that, you know, our, our species has existed.

I’m not, I’m not that smart because I can’t tell you that right now, but you know what I mean.

Andrew K: Yeah. I mean, I’ve seen some. I’ve seen some pictures online where I’m [00:47:00] like, Oh, wow. And I’ve, and that’s made me go to this woman’s page and look further, but I’m not interested in going to Miami to find, I mean, Montana to find this woman, you know what I’m saying?

Like I’m trying to refer back to my joke, but yeah, I’m not going, you know what I’m saying? I’m just not,

Callie Dee: right. That’s not, you’re not going to fall for the

Andrew K: okie doke. It’s nice to look at, but it’s not, that’s not what I want to be honest. You’re not going

Callie Dee: to be the next episode of

Andrew K: catfish, right, right.

Or I don’t want to, I don’t want to date a reality show star. I don’t, you know what I’m saying? I don’t want to date somebody like that. I don’t want to date some woman that’s all made up or, you know, surgeries and things like that. And that’s mostly what you see on Instagram. That’s why I’m saying like, if you offer me an Instagram, it’s like, no, like.

Game over. Sorry. No, that’s okay. You know what I mean? So,

Callie Dee: yeah. So if we could have like a, a [00:48:00] compromise between the species right now or between the genders, I would say it’s guys definitely ask for the digits. If you’re interested in deepening the relationship and women be willing to give them, because I still feel like even with social media, like you still need that next step.

And how do you get to that next step though? Like, how do you go from being like Instagram or Facebook or Twitter followers? Like if you’re, if you’re online and you see somebody that, that you’re attracted to, like, how do you establish that connection enough to be able to exchange those phone numbers?

Like what, what, what does that look like? Hmm. Do you even do that? I don’t even know. I

Andrew K: don’t, no, no. Okay. No,

Callie Dee: yeah, no. I think the ones that have been most successful on my part, if it’s somebody that like maybe I know briefly in public, but we definitely follow each other is to be kind of corny and cute.

Like, I had this one guy, And he slid into my DMs. [00:49:00] I’d been following him for a while. I noticed he was liking all these pictures. I was like, Oh, so and so must be feeling me, you know? And then he ended up getting into my DMs and saying, you know, I’m sorry, I’m going to come across corny, but I just really feel like I should just take you on a date.

And to be honest with you, it had been so long since somebody had actually used the word date. It was always like, Hey, let’s kick it. You know, Hey, why don’t you meet me at this bar? Are you going to this event? Okay, we’ll meet there. So it was very like informal. And I found myself in situations where I thought something was a date when it wasn’t.

And then I was in a date when I didn’t realize it sometimes too. And neither one of those situations is awesome.

Andrew K: I’m scared to slide into DMs. Yeah. Because I’ve heard so many horror stories, like, you know, and it’s like you get put on blast, like, I’ve seen it, like. Well, just be respectful. Like, this dude slid in my DMs, look at this fool.

You know, it’s like, some of them, I’m like, yeah, dawg, you need to stop. I don’t know why you did that. But then some of them, it’s like. You know, [00:50:00] like damn, this dude was just being genuine and, you know, trying to get to know you and like, now you putting them on blast and it’s not like he had a whole bunch of repeated messages.

He just, Hey, I like to get to know you. And then you read it and it stopped

Callie Dee: there. Yeah. Men are really scared of being, about being embarrassed in front of people. Like that’s, you know, that’s a good way to, to. You know, and it’s not nice anyway, but that, that is something I guess, because it diminishes your status and you have to have status in order to procreate.

And so it’s kind of a whole thing there, right? Yes.

Andrew K: I don’t know. There’s a good thing about there’s a good thing about DMS because like I have, like, like you said, like maybe somebody that I knew from school or something like that has run across my page. And they’ve DM me and it’s like, hey, and then we got to talk and then we made a connection that way but then there’s like, there’s like this deadly side of DMs, you know, off topic a little [00:51:00] bit but I had to like somebody that I knew both of these people.

I know them but basically, this lady knew that this guy that I She knew he was married. She knows he’s married, but they were messing around and I don’t know what happened. I don’t know. They’ve been messing around for years, you know, and I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden she just put him on blast and she’s showing like what are those the doorbell cameras.

Oh gosh.

Callie Dee: Yeah. Yeah. She’s

Andrew K: she’s showing the ring. Yeah. The ring, the ring videos when he comes to her house and you know, like them on vacation and he’s sleeping. She, you know, she took a picture while he was sleeping. She’s showing all this and then she made this post and she had his name and phone number and I DM’d her like, hey, [00:52:00] you need like all that other stuff you were doing.

Yeah. I had nothing to say about that, but you’re going too far. You need to stop. And right now, what you posted now will get you in trouble if you don’t take that off. It was like a whole argument back and forth. I’m like, look, I’m giving you valuable information. You could go to jail for posting this man’s name and phone number like that.

You can get in trouble. Right. Take it off. You know. Finally, she got the point. And. I ain’t gonna lie. You can tell the way that she types and talks on Facebook. The education level is not right. You know what I mean? So, yeah. Hey.

Callie Dee: Yeah. And that’s unfortunate. And I think that’s something that like we as humans could do better about.

And I’m going to give like a recent example of this where people took it one way, but I had a psychologist kind of like break it down a little bit better. So Jonah Hill and the whole. [00:53:00] Did you see that? Yeah. Okay, so he, I guess, was insecure and told her how he felt in a text, and I believe that he wasn’t even with this woman anymore.

He’s like in a whole different relationship, and Went back in, like posted it now. She posted it, right. Accusing him of being abusive. Right. And like, I know that the context of that text probably came like if he did that stuff all the time, yes, that’s definitely abuse. Like if a man tries to control you to the point of where you were, who you can hang out with, dah, dah, dah.

But somebody asked, say like Love relationship therapist, psychology type person about that, and I don’t know how, why I stumbled, I was probably just doing a rabbit hole thing on, on her as a, you know, her opinions on stuff, and I came across that one, and she said, you know When I looked at that, I saw a man that you know, and you’ve got to think he was a bigger guy, especially growing up and stuff.

And a lot of times our image of us is still the same one that we had growing up. You know, you could get, you can be a [00:54:00] really big girl and then lose all the weight, get all the surgeries, and you still feel like that girl in high school that made fun of the same with guys. And so, you know, this man has gone up in status, he’s dating somebody who he thinks is completely out of his league and you know, is just really scared.

And so this could have been a moment where he was just sharing his vulnerability about the situation, like, it makes me, you know, mad, and I don’t like it when you wear that, and da da da da da. And she could have been like, hey, I hear you and I’m sorry, like, I think you’re attractive, da, da, da, and then validated him and he could have moved on and this would have been a learning experience for them, right?

But instead she put a very popular man on blast for the world to see where he, she knew that he would be embarrassed and she knew that people would rally around her because of our perception of this conversation, even though we saw a very small portion of it. And so really in this scenario. She would be the abusive one, you

Andrew K: know, and I think this, this came [00:55:00] like after the announcement that he’s having a baby.

Right. Something

Callie Dee: like that. Yeah. Yeah. So it seemed very calculated and you know, and everybody just rose to Jonah Hill for it. And I didn’t see very many people stand up for him. And, but whenever she told me that I was like, Oh wow. Because that’s a perfect example of communication. First of all, he had a cry for help.

So he’s saying, you know, I feel this way, you know, and a lot of times, especially if we’re insecure, I’m fucking insecure. My cry to help is like, Hey, I feel like maybe you’re doing this or you’re doing that. And it’s not necessarily that I need a change in behavior, but more than I’m saying, Hey, I need you just to validate me for a second.

And if you’re in a really, you know, a stable, loving relationship, like that shouldn’t be a problem. Now, if it happens all the time, obviously, let’s talk about this. But if every once in a while, you know, you’re like. What’s going on. I’m still really lonely or acting out in those kinds of ways. Just to, it’s a, it’s a bid for attention and just take it for what it is instead of being upset by it.

You know, I don’t even know why we got on that topic, [00:56:00] but anyway, I thought that was I thought that was a pretty good lesson that I learned just there, you know, so. There’s been a shift from exchanging phone numbers to social media and it’s kind of altered the dynamics of courtship and dating culture.

And then, gosh, if we were to add like the online dating portion of all of this, like shoot, that’s a whole other episode on like when to ask or get the phone numbers then. You know, a lot of times those are already linked to their social medias. You know, I know a lot that. You can kind of slide through a couple of their, like their top nine photos or something.

So they kind of incorporate social media already. But like navigating this evolution we really have to adapt and be mindful. We have to communicate authentically. You know, definitely prioritize safety. You don’t want to just be given everybody your information and you don’t want to like post where you’re at in real time.

A lot of times too, because it’s a good way to, to get stalked. You know what I mean?

Andrew K: I don’t. . If I go somewhere, I don’t post pictures until I’m [00:57:00] gone. Right. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Like I, I’m not gonna.

Callie Dee: There was a time where I was out a lot and there was flyers about where I was going to be or I was telling people where I was going to be and I had that thought like, you know, somebody could get really weird with that.

You know, luckily it hasn’t happened. I’ve been kind of followed before, but it was it was some really individual and weird situations. Not because of that. Thank God. It’s tough being a woman out there.

Andrew K: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Not that I would. I mean, I, I understand. Not that I would know, but I

Callie Dee: understand.

Yeah. Yeah, so I think, you know, at the end of the day, and I guess the conclusion kind of our conversation right here is there’s definitely been a lost art in getting the The numbers, and I feel like that’s still a very important part of dating and, and creating those connections with people, even your friends, you need to pick up the phone and call your friends sometime.

And I think we were so reliant on social media being a form of communication that we forget that we really need to nurture that [00:58:00] extra personal touch of calling somebody or, you know, reaching out that way. And I think that, you know, Men should definitely try more and not rely on social media or if they are relying on social media because they’re, you know, afraid for any reason, which is, is fine.

We all have anxiety about things. Maybe even trying to find like a cute way to start a conversation and then just be very complimentary and say, Hey, you know, I really like your energy and I think you’re what insert, whatever you know, believe it like to our mind and our personality or like our work ethic, because if you say something, you know, you can say that you’re beautiful, but if you’re like, Dan, girl, you got big tits and a nice ass, I won’t take you out now.

But if you’re like, Hey, I really, you know, I liked your personality. I think you’re really cool. And I would like to take you to dinner sometime. Like, can I have your phone number and just see what happens or no ask her. And if she says yes, then suggest the phone number and be like, okay, well, do you mind if I have your phone number?

That way we can work it out. You [00:59:00] know, I can call you tomorrow or something.

Andrew K: Yeah. I would, I would say like inclusion, like guys keep pushing for the digits, just. Do it. Yeah. Yeah. Let’s just keep pushing for it. Like I don’t want that to be something that’s just totally lost. Right. You know, I don’t want to, it’s definitely

Callie Dee: important.

It’s an important

Andrew K: process. I don’t want that to be a grandpa story. Like back in my day, we used to, you know, let’s just keep pushing for it. Man, what is going to be

Callie Dee: the, go ahead. Sorry,

Andrew K: ladies. Move. Get you a Google number. You know what I mean? Get a, I have one. Yeah. Get a Google

Callie Dee: number. I used to use that for online dating.

I would

Andrew K: use my Google. That makes sense. Cause I use my Google number for like when somebody comes up to me and it’s like, Hey man, I want to book you for this comedy show, yada, yada. I don’t give out my number, you know, even like, like you said, like social media is attached to your number. Mine is attached to my Google number.

My Facebook is attached because I had my old Facebook [01:00:00] page. I’ve had people call me and I’m like, how the hell you get my number? But I didn’t know the function on Facebook. That’s right. I think they’ve taken that away. Yeah, they take it away. But yeah, but now my Google number is attached to my face.

Callie Dee: I get so many phone calls.

I just don’t have my phone number out there like that. Yeah. And some people, even on the business side kind of get a little. I’m a little pissy about it, but anyway go ahead and let everybody know how to get a hold of you as far as, you know, your social media, Facebook, like where you do your comedy stuff and where they can see you on YouTube, things like

Andrew K: that.

Sure. You can find me on Facebook at Alexander K Comedian or Comedian Alexander K. I have two pages you can find me on Instagram also have two pages there. You can find me at. Comedian Alexander K. All one word or villain Alex K. The villain Alex K is my main page but either one will work. You can also search me on [01:01:00] YouTube by putting at comedian Alexander K.

Yeah, and trying to think of what else I have. I think that’s all the social media I have. Yeah, just Facebook, Twitter, Facebook. Instagram and YouTube. Yeah.

Callie Dee: And I think this is going to come out after your next show but by the way, birthday twin, both of us on August 2nd. Yeah. And you’re having a show this weekend and I’m sure you can have some recaps or something on YouTube.

Oh yeah. Huh. So, go to his YouTube to to check his latest show out.

Andrew K: And I’ll I will also be taping my show that will be August 12th. August 12th. Is that a Saturday? I

Callie Dee: think so.

Andrew K: Yeah, I have a show August 12th in Lawton, Oklahoma. Huh. At Comedy Avenue 32, Lawton, Oklahoma.

Callie Dee: Come out. August 12th is a Tuesday.

Wait, hold on. Hold on. I’m in the wrong month. I don’t know how to. It’s 11th. It’s a

Andrew K: Saturday. It’s a Saturday. August 12th. I’ll be in Lawton, Oklahoma [01:02:00] performing and I’m actually taping that performance. Shout out to Sam Brand. Sam Brand is an amazing photographer, videographer. He shoots all my comedy material you know, as far as like my performance material.

Right. So yeah, he’ll be with me. We’ll be shooting that and I’ll be dropping the recaps from that show.

Callie Dee: Awesome. Well, my name is Callie D you can find me at callied. com. C A L L I E D E E. com. And that’s my link tree. You can have my Instagram, which is Callie underscore D, which is a. My Twitter and a bunch of other stuff.

This is the Smitten Kitten and we’re out.

Sleeping Beauty Awakened: Tools for the Modern Goddess by Aubrey Monk Warren

Callie Dee: [00:00:00] Hey everybody, this is Callie D with the Smitten Kitten and where we talk about sex, love, dating, and relationships. I took a little bit of a hiatus, you know, life got a little crazy and this is my podcast. I can do whatever the fuck I want, so welcome back. I’m really excited to have my next guest on.

We’ve been talking. for a little bit about getting you out here. So we have Aubrey here. Go ahead and introduce

Aubrey: yourself. Hi there, I’m Aubrey Warren. I’m so glad to be here.

Callie Dee: And go ahead and let us know a little bit about what you do because I feel like if I started telling people You know, the many facets of, you know, what you do online and otherwise I’ll probably forget something.

Oh, no

Aubrey: problem. So

I’ve been a yoga teacher for 20 years. That’s a good start. Yeah. And how I became a yoga teacher was. To heal myself actually I had some chronic infections Early in my 20s that I [00:01:00] was seeking healing from that Western medicine wasn’t doing the job Okay, and I was tired of being on antibiotics. So I actually had a Eastern Practitioner suggest I start practicing yoga and it completely changed my life.

So I threw myself into the practice 20 years ago and have been on a journey of self discovery ever since then. And, and a part of yogic philosophy is something called Swadhyaya and Swadhyaya is self study. And so I’ve been on a journey of transformation for the past 20 years and what’s that resulted in is I’ve been a fitness professional, a yoga teacher.

I’m an online wellness coach. And most recently though, I am an event director for a music festival, which has. It’s totally been a big change, but I’ve also been married to the same guy for 20 years. We just celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary. And [00:02:00] so a big part of what I would say my shtick is, is what I really feel like I’m here to help people do is I’m here to help women.

Maybe specifically who were born into the Judeo Christian lifestyle that maybe that’s not working for them anymore. Okay. And they’re looking for a new way to take take power of hmm. of their mental health and of their relationships and maybe in a new way than what they have been modeled by their parents and the people before them.

And so over the past three years, I’ve been writing a book to take everything that I’ve learned in the past 20 years of growing myself as a human and in turn doing so in service [00:03:00] Of my intimate relationship because I came from a family where my parents are still together and I believe wholeheartedly that a lot of who I am as a human, the confidence that I have comes from the solid foundation of the family that I was that I was reared by.

And I long to give that same Launching pad to my children and You know, relationships are

Callie Dee: hard. Oh girl, tell me. Relationships are really hard. Especially if you come from a dysfunctional background.

Aubrey: Yeah, yeah, and I have to admit, like, I don’t have a lot of the trauma that a lot of people are having to heal from, right?

I just have the trauma that’s been imposed on me by our society and the culture that we live in, you know? With all of the Which is still a lot. Which is still a lot, exactly. And so this book is, is honestly, it’s my gift to my younger self. [00:04:00] It’s my gift to all of my festy kids, all of my rave kids who almost like a permission slip.

To do life and relationships a little bit differently than what has been fed to us by culture of what is the path to do so. And so I’m excited to be here having this conversation about it because right now that’s what I’m the most excited about. Well

Callie Dee: congratulations on working on the book. Thank you.

I keep saying that I need to write a book of my life and, and to be honest with you, like. I have a story to tell, but how to fabricate that story is probably the hardest part. Yes, and I probably have like paralysis by analysis in doing so. I’ll sit down and I’ll write maybe a couple of chapters or whatever and then, you know, I’m just Kind of come to a halt, almost like a writer’s block.

So anybody that can sit down and actually [00:05:00] complete a project like that, like, y’all are my heroes. Because I’m still trying to get

Aubrey: there. Well let me tell you like, just a little bit of secret sauce that might help you and might help anybody else who’s listening who might. I have a similar feeling as what you just expressed to me because I was like that for many, many years and, and I started writing because I was literally waking up at three o’clock in the morning every night of spirit whispering in, like, you need to go do this, you need to go do this, you need to, and so finally I started writing.

However. However, I just started writing, like what you were talking about, just started writing, right? Right. And then I decided randomly to take a masterclass by Hay House, Hay House Publishing on tips to become a writer. And this is what I learned, which was a very valuable tool, is first, you write a very, very detailed outline.

First, because if you just start writing, it’s hard to know where to go and you can like write in circles, right? And it’s never ending. So [00:06:00] first make a really, really detailed outline, as detailed as you can, and then set it aside and sit on it for a little bit. Because what Deepak Chopra said in this, in this masterclass was that generally you’ll find that that first book that you thought you were supposed to write.

Isn’t the book that you’re supposed to write it turns into something else and that’s what happened to me as I realized that the Book that I was starting to write at first was my ego’s desire I was wanting to share my life story and all the cool things and the journeys that I’ve been on But what I realized was that my story Wasn’t nearly as important as the lessons that I learned along the way And so I it’s still a lot of the same Same stories, but totally put together in a different way.

So it’s not all about me. It’s about how I can share my journey so maybe my younger self that’s reading can see herself in [00:07:00] it and go on her own journey from there.

Callie Dee: Yeah. And that makes a whole lot of sense. Because I think a lot of what I’m trying to do is tell my story. I have, I mean, I have trauma upon trauma upon trauma upon trauma, but still I overcame.

And one of the reasons why I wanted to kind, kind of share my story was because whenever I research, you know, especially women that I hold in high regard, like Eleanor Roosevelt, for example. kick ass lady like through and through and to find out that she had a very you know even though she was of privilege you know and married into privilege and had a very high status in life for most of her life she had a very tortured existence you know in her beginning years and so for somebody to have you know Basically, no self worth or, you know, just could easily fall [00:08:00] into despair to be like just an iconic woman at the end of it.

I really identified with that and I feel like, you know, when you look at women like that, you think that you don’t think that they had an existence like you did, right? And so it inspired me to know that, you know, even though I have this, like, horrible past. I can still be a somebody, right? You know what I mean?

And I really think that that message needs to be relayed. But you’re probably right. I, I have like thought and rethought and done so many different versions at the beginning of this book. So one day, one day I’ll have to probably take that class.

Aubrey: Well, it’s been a three year journey and I’m so happy to finally be here.

I literally just I just submitted the application and my manuscript for copyright approval last week. So I, I can’t tell you the date that I’m releasing because I don’t know how fast or slow the government’s going to be in approving my, in approving the copyright, but as soon as it is, I’ve just decided I’m going to self publish because [00:09:00] my ultimate goal is to get it into the hands of my festy kids and I have a platform to do that.

So if that’s all that this book does, then I’m going to be satisfied. So yeah.

Callie Dee: Yeah. Yeah, and there’s so many ways to do like ebooks or Amazon and things like that. So you know, it really is a good place right now for creatives. Yeah, we really can take the range. You don’t have to worry about a publishing house and all that kind of stuff and approval and all the, you know, gatekeepers and all that kind of good stuff.

So well. Good luck. Thank you. And I’m excited to see how it goes.

Aubrey: Well, and that’s actually one of the reasons why I decided to move forward with self publishing was because I knew that for me to tell. My story and to help people the way I feel like I’m called to do, I had to be radically honest and I would consider this book is a self help meet meets erotica.

And so there are, I share some [00:10:00] really graphic. details about my intimate relationship, about some of my experiences with substances, and different things that are, that are considered extremely taboo in our culture. And being an unknown author, right, I didn’t want someone coming in and, and, and telling me that I couldn’t be as truthful as I knew that I really and so it’s raw and it’s scary because it’s crazy vulnerable.

Callie Dee: Yeah. So, well, good for you. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Now, when I first reached out to you, I believe it was because you were putting on either a workshop or maybe a retreat involving couples and, and I’m trying to like, it’s been a while since I first reached out to you. But I feel like, was it? To do with like polyamorous couples or was it just straight?

Just couples. No.

Aubrey: Okay. So what I think It’s so funny. You’re not the first person who’s gotten confused about thinking as polyamory Okay, so I’ve been holding women’s [00:11:00] empowerment retreats for like the past five year or was before Cove it I was doing women’s empowerment retreats before Cove it and Where I was sharing a lot of this work that’s in the book However The path that I went on led me to something that’s called sex magic.

That’s probably what it was. And I, my husband and I were just about ready to lead our first sex magic workshop. And what’s funny is, yeah, there have been multiple people who hear sex magic and they’re like, Oh, you’re teaching that polyamory workshop. I’m like, no sex magic and not polyamory. are not the one in the same, nothing against polyamory but that’s not what we practice.

Yeah. So I do talk in the book about our exploration into conscious non monogamy. Okay. But we’re not in a space of polyamory now. I would call us monogamish. Okay. You know, but not,

Callie Dee: not polyamorous. Yeah, and the only reason I thought that I used to have a co host [00:12:00] and he was super into polyamory.

And we’ve had, you know, a couple of guests, like I’ve, I’ve dipped my toe into the thought of polyamory. I just, you know, in this modern day. We have to kind of be open to all different types of relationships relationship dynamics and, you know, so I, I definitely studied it. I could see how it works. Is it for me?

I’m not quite sure yet. I haven’t been able to necessarily find a partner that would also be okay on my terms because you know, most men are like. Yeah, we can do you can, you can have sex with other women, but if you have sex with other men and dah, dah, dah, dah, and I’m sorry, but if, if you’re also having sex with other women, then I don’t think that that’s fair.

So but you know, I’ve also been with men that were cheaters and I’ve offered, you know, like if that’s what you want to do, then, you know, let’s talk about that and only for them to be like, no, you know, I want to be exclusive, blah, blah, blah. Just for them to go and cheat on me again. So it’s definitely been something that I’ve toyed with.

So I think when I associated you with, with [00:13:00] him kind of, because I remember having a conversation with him about having you on that’s why I attached the polyamory part to it. No, and that’s, that’s

Aubrey: completely okay because like I said, exploring conscious non monogamy was a part of the journey and it’s something that I share about and what I call my spice kit chapter.

I have a toolbox and we have the spice kit. But. To be honest with you that that’s another part of when I say kind of like giving my younger self or my My rave kids like a permission slip to do things differently That’s a part of the journey because you know, I realized I was bisexual in college, but I met my husband Jacob My senior year and in college, and I had just started exploring dating women.

And when we met and we fell in love hard and fast, I really shut that part of myself down because in my mind and, you know, from the relationship models that I witnessed that were successful traditionally, it was. [00:14:00] Monogamy. And that was the only thing that quote unquote worked, right? And so I thought, well, if I want to have this long, healthy relationship where we’re able to raise kids and give them a solid foundation, that monogamy is the only way to go.

However, I did find myself 10 years into a marriage starting to think, you know, I don’t I only know that I have this one life to live. And I know this, there’s this part of my personality that I was just discovering right before I met you. So will I end up resenting you in the long run? If we go the long haul and there’s this whole part of myself that I don’t even know will I end up resenting you or possibly cheating on you because of that?

And so that was a conversation that we started and. And the conversation lasted about five years, you know, of just talking about it and so on. And, and we’ve definitely have gone on a path, but I’ve realized I don’t like to share my man. Yeah. Yeah. And that’s not something that I’m [00:15:00] interested in and that’s okay.

Yeah. And it’s okay for me to be attracted to women and to potentially even invite women into our bedroom. Because I have close connections with girlfriends who we have that connection in that longing to. know each other in that way. But I wouldn’t call it polyamorous because we don’t have any sort of relationship outside of what we have in that container.

Right. Yeah. That makes

Callie Dee: sense. Yeah. I, I actually had you know, I consider myself bisexual and I did explore that part. pretty vastly in my 20s. I had a girlfriend at one point, but we were, we were girlfriends and lived with each other and were like in love. Started out as a friendship and then it, it, it, you know, moved into something further.

And then we would actually share men. So then we would like date outside of ourselves and then like bring them into the bedroom. And to be honest with you, that was like the best. Threesomes that I’ve ever had because it was about her and I. Right. Whereas I’ve done, you know, the threesome where it was maybe my partner or somebody else’s [00:16:00] partner and like, you know, bringing somebody and then it was just like fighting over the penis and, you know, at, at one point, you know, you’re just like, okay, they’re having sex, you know, you’re smoking a cigarette.

Like, oh yeah, y’all look like they were having, you know, just like waiting for your turn to like right. Right. Like tap

Aubrey: in or whatever. Well, and that’s how I realized that, that really polyamory isn’t for me is because I found myself when we were in those situations and I would go to share my husband with a friend having to go somewhere else mentally because like, I really didn’t want to see Seeing my husband, fuck my friend.

Yeah. I just didn’t, did I want her between my thighs? Sure I did. Right. But did I wanna see her fuck my, no, I didn’t. You know? And so that’s been a delicate dance for us to maneuver, you know? And there’s been lots of conversations where there were like hard boundaries where he was like, you know, if you don’t wanna share me then, then no, I don’t.

I don’t wanna do this anymore because I don’t think it’s fair. But then give them a year. One of the things I share in the book that I learned on my discovery was we as humans [00:17:00] crave novelty. We crave novelty as humans. That’s how a completely happy and content… Man or woman in a marriage can end up straying is it’s just this craving for novelty Willing different will end up doing stupid shit just because we’re craving that excitement, you know and so that’s where we are now in our relationship is the Me bringing a woman into the bedroom is just something novelty It’s kind of like having a sex toy, but my friend is completely Consensual of she knows what’s going on, you know, or at that point my friends know I like to play with women Does she want to come and know what the what the boundaries and the what the rules are?

That’s her choice, you know, and We’re finally at a good place with

Callie Dee: that. Yeah Yeah, and I I have had situations in the past where I did Do something like that with well, we weren’t technically together at the time, but he was like the love of my life and a friend of mine was like, I’ve always wanted to sleep with you and you know, like, was [00:18:00] just really hounding and I wasn’t necessarily attracted to her.

But at one point she was with a guy that was kind of like my, my brother. And so I was like, this will never happen. That’s super weird, like gross. Right. And then when she became single, I don’t know, it was just, stupid stuff that you do in your 20s. I, I knew that my ex, he was my ex at that time, but we had been together before and I was still very much in love with him, very much hoping that we could like work things out.

So we were still kind of talking and I know that he wanted to do something like that. So it was kind of like a, okay, these two people want to basically have sex with me and you know, let’s just do this. And I set those boundaries. Like y’all don’t contact each other outside of me. Like just don’t. That was like hard fast first rule, you know, and sure enough, you know, they, they did that and she was even staying at my house when in, asleep on the couch when like, you know, his name came across the phone and it was just like, I’m so ready to fuck you and, you know, and then I got to like, I threw the phone at her, told her to get the fuck out of my house, like, you know, and then they ended up having a relationship for a few years after that.

But [00:19:00] you know, so having situations like that too, it, it kind of, Makes you weary, makes you

Aubrey: realize how much energy it is to have all of that, you know, relationships take energy. So the more people you bring into a relationship, the more energy it takes. And, you know, we’re at a stage now where we have a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

And I’m acutely aware that I only have a couple more years left with these children in my house. And so I don’t need all of my mental, emotional energy used in, in, in novelty. So to speak, you know, I wanted to pour them into, into these humans that I was blessed to give birth to. I am curious though, not to shift gears, but I’m going to kind of like, so in preparing for this conversation and as you and I were starting to talk, I was geeking out on your podcast and I was listening to a lot of the different things of conversations of what sort of conversations are you used to having and so on.

And I saw, I don’t know if it was just one or multiple on Tantra. [00:20:00] Okay. And, and so being a person in the yoga world, right? Tantra is something that is very, it’s a natural ease into, and that was something actually that my husband has never been really attracted to has been Tantra. And as I was trying to suck him into it they say when the student is ready, the teacher arrives.

And I was led to a book on sex magic at just the right time. And I don’t know if you’ve ever had a conversation about that before. You like magic. Yeah. Have you ever

Callie Dee: talked about sex magic? I don’t think I have on the show. No, but I I’ve definitely, we had a sex magic course or class that we did here at the community center.

Oh, cool. Yeah. So no, we haven’t talked about sex magic. Exactly.

Aubrey: Well, I didn’t know if maybe if that’s a route you want to go, because there’s lots of different routes we

Callie Dee: could go. Let’s do it. Yeah. I was looking at some of the. The stuff that you gave me about your book, getting ideas and sex magic was definitely one of that.

Losing my religion, finding myself, that one kind of spoke to me bitches, witches and the energy body. [00:21:00] So I kind of have a similar story where I grew up in, and I’m just assuming just by reading into this where I grew up, I’m very Christian, very Christian and finally went the route of. You know, what people call witchy stuff.

Yeah, absolutely. I usually tell people, when people ask me my religious preference, I tell them I’m pagan because, you know, it has, it has a better connotation than, than witch, especially here in Texas. Right. Yeah. So I say I’m pagan, but I finally shed that, you know, Christian, all that stuff. Yeah. And went more into kind of the, the witchy route and I found myself in that.

Absolutely. And so sex magic is also kind of a part of that. But yeah, I really like this outline that you gave me,

Aubrey: and… They’re the chapters in my book. Yeah. So, I mean, so just starting with losing my religion, I mean, the first line in the first chapter of my book was, it took me a long time to be able to say the words out loud that I’m not a Christian.

Right. So, my story is, is I came from a rule. [00:22:00] community in Northwest Missouri where there were more Christian churches probably than there were people. No, not, not really, but there were, there were probably seven Christian churches in my town of 1100 people. Right? And I moved from that small town to TCU.

Okay. So at TCU, Texas Christian University here in Fort Worth, Texas, you’re required to take a religion course. Okay. And as a freshman, you’re really given two choices of the religion courses. It’s either understanding the Bible or world religion. And I had been in youth group for years. And so I looked at the Bible in many different ways through many different lenses, through many different teachers.

And so I was like, what a great opportunity. I’ve never looked at any other religion. Let’s go take this class and so first semester of my first year freshman year at TCU, I was in Professor Lahudski’s class and Professor Lahudski changed my life. So it was [00:23:00] a lecture course and it was a essay test, okay?

And I was like National Honor Society type of kid, okay? Get a D on my first test. I’d never gotten a D in my life. On the phone, crying to my mother, and she’s like, Aubrey, we pay for a really expensive school. Go talk to your teacher. Yeah. Okay, so I go in, I brought all my note cards into my teacher, cause you know, my, my, My way of learning was you write down facts on a note card and you memorize them, right?

That was how I was trained to do. And so I took my notes into my teacher and I had her look at all my note cards like what else could I have done? And she looks through all my note cards and she’s like, and then what? Like what do you mean and then what? She’s like, Aubrey. This is a religion course.

Religion and spirituality, they aren’t black and white. I’m not asking you to memorize everything that I write on the board and [00:24:00] everything that I say in class and spit it back to me. I’m asking you to take what I say in class, think about it, and draw your own conclusions. Interesting. That was the first fucking person in my entire life who asked me to think for myself.

I mean, let’s just pause and think about that for a second, right? Eighteen years old, no one had ever challenged me to think for myself before, right? And so then all of a sudden, like, I’m looking at this religion that I was handed to me, my, my culture, just from my, my, my family lineage, right? And I realized that the stuff that I had been told.

That I didn’t believe that it didn’t make sense to me and specifically original sin was like my main thing, right? It was like, and so. So through my journey I started to realize that every culture is raised on a different mythos. Okay. [00:25:00] And, and we as children are told that this mythos is real, right?

But what we don’t realize is that every single culture has its own mythos, right? Which is very real to them, which is very real to them. Right. And so as I start, like I went through this deep phase where I was really Pissed off and angry at the church, angry at every, God, at every, at everyone and everything and wanted to denounce every, everything religious, right?

And, and, but what I didn’t realize is that I’m a mystic, okay? I’m a witch. It’s all the same shit, right? I, I yearn and crave an intimate.

Personal relationship with the divine and I’ve always craved that relationship and so Through my journey of being pissed off and trying to find something that works. I heard a [00:26:00] teacher say once that if your religious or spiritual practices don’t slow you down and bring you peace, they’re not working for you.

And. In the yoga world, I was like, a part of my story was I was never a good enough yogi. Okay. Okay, because. I feel like.

Callie Dee: As far as yogis go, it’s hard to be good enough.

Aubrey: Right. Right. You know, it’s like you, you’re not supposed to eat meat. You’re supposed to abstain from a lot of, you’re not supposed to party, do, you know, do these sorts of things.

And those were, I have this debaucherous side, you know, who likes to go buck wild. And so I couldn’t ever find A spiritual practice that really made me feel whole, you know, it made me feel like there wasn’t something wrong with me, right? Like the original sin is telling us, right? [00:27:00] And so, so I’m just going to circle back for a second.

My husband asked me to have kids way earlier than I was ready. And so I’m like, take me on one more awesome vacation. So we went to Egypt. Oh,

Callie Dee: that’s the bucket list for me. Right. I love Egypt. Right. Egyptology. Actually my, my favorite Pantheon is the Egyptian. Okay. Hothor though, not Isis. Okay. Hothor.

Aubrey: Okay. Well, Hothor was her predecessor, you know. But I didn’t know that that trip. That would slowly, would be the catalyst of mine and my husband’s finding our spiritual connection. So I would call myself a tantric witch now so they say, like I said, when the student is ready, the teacher arrived and I, we had went to Egypt like years ago, but I hadn’t unpacked it.

Right. I hadn’t unpacked it. And, it’s funny, have you heard the ties between Murray Magdalene and [00:28:00] ISIS? I haven’t, okay, so, it’s said, some people believe, that Are you familiar with who Mary Magdalene is? Yes. She

Callie Dee: was the supposed prostitute that hung out with Jesus. Right.

Aubrey: Okay. Supposedly the prostitute that hung out with Jesus.

Okay. That’s the story that we’re told by the apostles, which were the dudes who hung out around Jesus. Right. Okay. So there’s actually a whole lineage of. belief systems or I guess, I guess you could say there is a religion in the East that is all based on the belief that Mary Magdalene and Jesus were partners.

Yes. Now I’ve heard that part. Yes. And that they had a daughter together and some believe that actually Mary Magdalene was matched by Jesus. By Jesus’s mother, Mary. And both of [00:29:00] them, Mary Magdalene and the Madonna, were both a part of Isis’s lineage of sex magic. Okay, so within, so let me just, before I dive deep into sex magic, I mean consider this, you’re a mom, right?

Okay. Imagine, literally, like, when you’re pregnant. With when you’re pregnant an angel comes to you and tells you that your son is Going to be this huge transformative human being that is going to be a martyr for our culture and is going to be a huge icon that transforms the foundation of life and culture.

You were told that message, right? Wouldn’t you think? That they would need a really solid [00:30:00] partner in order to do that, to become that person, right? And you had heard or you know of a practice that is actually completely intended to evolve consciousness and not just evolve consciousness, but is in service of the evolution of consciousness.

of the male consciousness. Okay. Okay? Because in Isis’s lineage of sex magic, it was believed, actually, that the frequency inside the female uterus is the same frequency that is the big bang itself. Okay. So I’m going to say that again, that the frequency of our orgasm is the same frequency of the big bang itself.

So that our orgasm is literally best gift [00:31:00] that we could give to another because it spiritually enlivens and nourishes what Egyptians called the Kaabadi which is in essence just the, it’s like the aura. Right? It’s like our energetic body. So it’s believed within Egyptian sex magic that the higher you bring the woman in ecstasy that not all, well, first of all, that a woman is an ever abundant, flowing, nurturing, always giving entity.

And that the way that she provides her gifts the most. is to be open and satisfied, okay? I mean, that’s very true. Right? Right? When you’re open and satisfied. So that, that [00:32:00] our potency of spiritual nurturing is increased as our level for pleasure increases. And so within Egyptian sex magic, they believe that as a woman orgasms, her, the vibration of her orgasm melds with the energy of the male partner through that leaves the yoni, so the pussy into the lingam, the cock, right?

And then their energies mingle and then nourish. The Ka body. And so within Egyptian philosophy, the Ka body was just the energetic blueprint of, of the human. Okay. The Ka body is what lives on. The Ka [00:33:00] body is what transcends. The Ka body is that which is resurrected. Okay. Okay. And goes on to the next level.

So it’s, it was, some believe, some believe that Mary, Jesus’s mother paired Isis and Jesus together because she knew that the practices that Mary was trained in would actually help her husband help her son. Fulfill his mission in life and to fill, fulfill his Dharma and and so when I was led to these practices, my husband didn’t know and I was looking for like a common spiritual language for the both of us.

And so I started to experiment with these practices without telling him [00:34:00] and it changed everything. And now we’re both. conscious sex magic practitioners because it is elevated us into a, a place in our relationship honestly that I didn’t ever think that we would be. Well, that’s

Callie Dee: an awesome story. And that’s a lot, that’s a lot of stuff that I didn’t already know about sex magic.

I, you know, I haven’t really studied on the subject very in depth but I do know that there is an energy that is created during sex, especially during an orgasm. So you can also create that energy, you know, by yourself through masturbation or what have you. And I do know that if, You have sex with the wrong person, like somebody that’s toxic, like it could be very detrimental to your aura or to, you know, your life at that moment.

And you know, it can invite chaos, which I have definitely witnessed firsthand. But also on the flip side of, of that, and [00:35:00] I, I haven’t ever really been able to have this type of relationship that I have now where, you know, both of us are at a place that we’ve worked on ourself and have become, you know, better people apart.

And then you know, through our union have actually, like, elevated even more so. I mean, across the board. And so I have no doubt that sex definitely has that energy. And so the way you explained it does make sense to me. I can see that, you know, displaying it in my life right now. So when you teach somebody sex magic, what are some of the first?

Initial steps that you would suggest that they, they take

Aubrey: their own meditation practice, their own wellness practice. So in the finding myself chapter I really actually start talking about my wellness journey of my own physical wellness, you know, mental illness runs in my family. I have had a lot of body image issues growing up as a kid because of growing up as an American woman.

[00:36:00] Exactly, exactly. Exactly. Because of all of the. Images that were fed and you know, there’s always a product to fix us or to make us better and whatnot. And honestly, it’s starting with your own wellness journey because all of the practices that we do consciously in sex magic all first started in our own.

Our own system. And then I’ll tell you what was interesting with the, the book that really took me down the road. I bought before I ever had children. So I bought this book like, Oh gosh, probably close to 20 years ago. We were at a spiritual workshop and there were all these books laying all over and you just go and look to see what calls you, calls to you.

Right. And we bought a whole bunch of books and have them sitting on the shelves. And And I tried to read this one specifically when I was nursing my firstborn, and it did not make a bit of sense to me at all. And I put [00:37:00] it on the shelf. Okay. Fast forward, 13 years later, I had just got done with my 500 hour yoga teacher training.

Okay. And if you know anything about. Yoga teacher training, the first 200 hours that most of your teachers have that are in like your regular studio or gym or whatever is, is mostly about the postures. Okay. You learn some about the energetics and about the meditation, but that’s all really surface the more of the, just kind of the introduction of that.

My 300 hour yoga education was all about meditation and going super, super, super deep. And there was this book that we were using that was just different, different meditation techniques, different meditation techniques. And. When I was done with my 300 hour yoga teacher training, I found myself standing in front of my bookshelf thinking [00:38:00] I finally have time to read something for pleasure.

What’s next? And that book literally like fell off the shelf into my hand. And when I started reading it, the crazy part was the first practice. in that book was the last practice I had learned in my 500 hour yoga teacher training. So it was like, now I understand why I didn’t get this book. I wasn’t ready for it.

But a really foundational place to start is breath. Is, is learning to connect with your own breath. And whether that’s just a daily diaphragmatic breath practice, That’s a start of sitting with your breath for five minutes every day because a big part of sex magic is just staying fucking present in your body, okay?

Because I don’t know about you, but I spent the first decade of my marriage more in my mind than I was in my body thinking about the, the, Checklist that I have still waiting for me that [00:39:00] I have to do after, you know, for the kids after sex is over. And so sex for a big portion of my marriage, unfortunately was a chore.

I mean, part of it was pleasure, right? But another part was something I knew I needed to do. So my husband didn’t get. Pissy, you know for a couple of days, right? So it was so it was a chore but but so when you’re not present in your body, you don’t experience all the pleasure and you have to experience all the pleasure to be able to get yourself to those heightened levels of pleasure, right?

So how can you stay in your body? What are all the tools that you need to cultivate in order to stay in your body? And if you’re a naturally grounded person? person already. Maybe you don’t need as many tools as I did. Okay. But I, these, these are the foundational tools I had to cultivate before I could bring them into the bedroom.

One is just my breath. Okay. The next one is something called breath Joppa. Okay. So [00:40:00] breath Joppa, breath Joppa and mantra. Okay. So mantra is just Saying a constant word over and over in your head. And the, the mantra that I was led to, I’m a I’m a, the yoga system that I subscribe to is from the Himalayan Institute.

Okay. And so the mantra that I practice and that I teach my students is so hum. So hum is a Sanskrit word that just means I am okay. Okay? Mm-hmm. . So if, just pause for a second and, and take a deep breath in and out through your nose.

Now, as you do it, I want you to think if you can hear the word so on your inhale and if you can hear the word hum on your exhale. So just inhale. Can you hear so? And on your exhale, can you hear hum? Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. So. Hum for sure. That one’s an easy one. Hum. It’s a, it’s an easy one to hear.

Right? Okay. So hum, so hum just means [00:41:00] I am. So, so I practice mantra meditation. by myself too. So, so how long can I stay with that mantra? And a mantra is, is just a bridge to meditation. And meditation is just being present and not having your mind all crazy, right? It’s just being here and now. And so my main foundational practices were diaphragmatic breath, breathe it.

Diaphragmatic breath training, mantra, meditation, and I specifically like SOHUM because it means I am. So it’s constantly bringing you back to the present moment. So as I brought SOHUM into the bedroom, it was like if I found myself lost in my mind, okay, we’ll come back to the mantra. I am licking my husband’s penis.

I am feeling him touch my G spot. I am arching my spine in pleasure, you know, so [00:42:00] it brought, that mantra would just bring me back to the present moment. Anytime I found my mind wandering, come back to the mantra. But the other one is breath japa, which breath japa is just following your breath along your spine.

Okay. So, so pause right here as you’re sitting, tailbone and on your next inhale, follow your awareness all the way up to your eyebrow center. hard and on your exhale, follow your awareness all the way back down to your tailbone. And lets just do that 2 more times. So Inhale, follow your awareness all the way up to your eyebrow center.

Now all the way back down to your tailbone and engage your pelvic floor. Do a Kegel. Lets do that one more time. So inhale your awareness all the way up to your eyebrow center and then all the way back down to your tailbone or your pelvic floor, engage your pelvic block or do a Kegel. Okay, now what do you think it would feel like if you had a cock in your pussy?

While you were squeezing it every single time you exhaled, [00:43:00] but do you think that would how would that feel? I mean amazing, right? Right, right. Those are the foundational practices to start with because if you can because a lot of being able to orgasm Relaxing. Okay. For sure. And breathing. So did you know that an orgasm is the only thing we do in our human bodies that takes both parts of our nervous system?

It takes our our parasympathetic and our, and our, our sympathetic and our parasympathetic nervous systems at the same time engaged. So we have to be excited. And relaxed. Right? Right. And for some people, especially even guys, right? So if a guy is wanting to start a sex magic practice, a lot of his ability to be able to get his woman to that heightened level is not premature ejaculation.[00:44:00]

Yes.

Callie Dee: And I’ll That is a very key factor. Right?

Aubrey: And a big part of that is for them to be able to control their breath, okay? So the more tapped in you are to being able to control your breath, that’s the first step. Now do you need the mantra meditation? I don’t know. Depends how monkey mind you have. How much of a monkey mind you have.

I have a really busy mind, so I need all the practices.

Callie Dee: Yeah. I agree with you on that. As far as my mind is always going for whatever reason, not, I mean, and I guess during my early years, I would say early twenties whenever I found a vibrator, like, and what that did it really helped me connect to my body because before then I hadn’t really had, I hadn’t had an orgasm during sex.

For many years

Aubrey: and I’m sorry, sister. Hmm.

Callie Dee: Well, they don’t really [00:45:00] teach you a lot of this stuff, you know, and it was even to a point where I thought, well, the more in love I get, maybe I’ll have one. So the only way I could orgasm was through masturbation and luckily I had that, you know but there was something that I kind of learned in that was that your breath could actually help bring on orgasm.

You know, and so without even knowing it, I, I introduced breathing into, you know, helping me get to that place and I was so concentrating on breathing and the sensation and stuff like that, that it actually helped drown out like all the other stuff. So you know, I guess I’ve, I’ve been, I’m, I’m pretty.

naturally sexual. And not to mention my mother had a subscription to Cosmopolitan that she would hide from me all the time and I would find them and read all the stuff. So I knew way more about how to please a man and all that kind of stuff before I even touched a penis. Right, right. So the first time I actually touched the penis, they’re like, you’ve done this before.

It’s like, no, I’ve been kind of. [00:46:00]

Aubrey: Dude, so the, the breath and just like your conscious awareness of how the, your, your sexual energy is moving inside your body, which by the way, your sexual energy and your spiritual energy and your consciousness and your intelligence, those are all the fucking same thing.

Okay. It’s all the same thing. So as I sit and I meditate, depending upon where I am on my monthly cycle and where my hormones are, I, I have an orgasm quite regularly while I’m sitting to meditate because of just being able to be conscious with it. But I want to circle back and I want to, just for any of your listeners who maybe are like you and didn’t have an orgasm for a really long time during penetration, I just want to share a fun fact that I learned during my research for this book, because I have a whole section.

The first section of it is called unlearning. It’s all about like, All the programs that we had and like to get rid of them, right? The second part is about education because I, I address the fact that we as girls are not given proper sex education [00:47:00] in our culture or even

Callie Dee: permission to explore

Aubrey: any of that.

No, no. I were taught in sex education that you have a period. And that you need to clean it up and make sure that it’s not a mess or that it ever gets in the way. And that if you have sex, you’re going to get pregnant, right? Or STDs. Or STDs, right? We’re never taught about our clitoris. And our clitoris is the main function of our orgasm, as an orgasm.

Actually, some people believe that all of our orgasms are clitoral because some sex therapists believe that. Our g spot is actually the root of our

Callie Dee: clitoris. I mean, it, it, it kind of is, but yes, it’s not the only place, right? Right. It expands and it pushes the g spot out, which, you know, during penetration, right.

Gets friction. So you’re kind of getting it on both ends, but yeah,

Aubrey: I hear what you’re saying. Yeah. Yeah. But through that, through that that research that I was doing, I learned that And they actually didn’t [00:48:00] even realize about, they didn’t start teaching about the clitoris until they started dissecting humans, okay, like that whole process.

And it was actually Sigmund Freud who discovered that a woman’s ability to have an orgasm during penetration is directly influenced by the distance between the opening of her vagina and her clitoris. That for some women, that is a really small area. There’s not a big distance between their vagina and their clitoris.

And for some women, there’s a big distance between the two. So if you have a big distance between the opening of your vagina and your clitoris, there’s a lesser probability that your clitoris is even being stimulated during intercourse. So for those of us like me, whose clitoris is really close. It’s an easier job because all of it’s getting stimulated at the same time.

Now, maybe there’s trauma and there’s other deeper reasons besides just your physical anatomy as to why you’re [00:49:00] not having, having an orgasm. But I just wanted to assure women, you know, if, cause they’re 10% of women have never had an orgasm before. I believe it. And so many women think that there’s something wrong with them because of it.

Right. And, and what I, in my heart of hearts want all women to know that if they’ve never had an orgasm before, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them. It means probably that we haven’t been educated, haven’t been given permission and haven’t taken the time to explore. Right. Or there’s some

Callie Dee: blockages, mentally, physically trauma.

I think the chakras have a lot to do with it. Yes. You know like you said, education something that I’ve noticed in my years of being a sexual being and being open and talk, I don’t know why, but I’m always that friend that people just like me to divulge everything to because they feel comfortable enough to say something.

And the women that I’ve known that did not enjoy having oral sex or having a [00:50:00] guy perform oral sex on them were usually really fucking uptight. Like just, you know, and very controlling, very, you know, just couldn’t just let themselves go and enjoy the moment because it was kind of a pattern the, the people that would tell me that.

And then it kind of was like a light bulb moment for me anyway, that, Oh, okay. That’s why, you know? Well, because girl, good

Aubrey: girls don’t do that. You know, we’re taught this story. The best girls do that. Well, you know, but, but that’s a part of like the losing my religion, right? Within our mythos. Women were given two primary archetypes, the mother, the virgin and the whore.

So like three versions of it, right? The, the mother, the version in a, right, exactly. And, and in other, in other meathos, in other.

I. e., you know, many people think that that that polytheism is the belief in many gods. It’s not that. It’s that the, the divine shows up in so many [00:51:00] different forms and faces and in ways, right? And I mean, maybe it is many gods, however you want to look at it. I don’t care. Right. Right. But, but within our culture, we were taught, well, if we enjoy sex.

We’re a whore and we’re a bad girl and we’re shamed because of it, right? And so from your experience, I agree 110%. It’s usually our friends who have that good girl complex that they don’t even realize that they have.

Callie Dee: Yeah. Yeah. Or they’re just super controlling of everything.

Aubrey: Well, yeah. Well, there’s that too.

And

Callie Dee: they’re controlling themselves out of a good

Aubrey: orgasm.

So. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Callie Dee: So let’s expand on the sex magic a little bit more. In more witchy type stuff, I’ve seen sex magic being used like even in candle magic. So like you would in order to do a certain spell you would masturbate and then [00:52:00] use the juices that come out after that as your anointing on the candle and then like the candle.

I’ve heard it in those certain terms or even like whether sex magic with a partner or with yourself, having kind of a goal or manifesting and using the energy of the orgasm to make it come to fruition. How, how does that fit into? So

Aubrey: I’m going to have a very, very unpopular answer to that, a very unpopular answer because sex magic for manifestation is very in vogue.

Right now, very common and very popular. And, so, what’s

different about me is, you know, I, because of my yoga journey. I also have, I also have a guru. Okay. My guru is a Tantra Kundalini master of the Shakti pot lineage, which is a very underground mystical lineage. And he’s a guide in my [00:53:00] life. And he’s like 80 years old. He’s an old dude, you know, it’s like my grandpa, right?

And who I go and I sit with. And last time I went to go visit him. He was very, very clear with me about something. And there is a very slippery slope of dark magic. So, in Hindu mythology, there’s Shiva and there’s Ravana. Okay, so Shiva is, he’s the king of the gods, right? He’s, he’s the lord of the dance, creation and destruction and everything.

And then there’s Ravana, and Ravana’s the king of the demons. Okay, and Ravana and Shiva do the same mantras, the only difference is, is their intention behind them. Shiva’s intention is for the goodness of humanity, and Ravana’s intentions are for his own self serving desires, okay? And [00:54:00] My teacher has warned me very clearly that I don’t know anything, meaning, like, yes, God lives, God, the goddess, the divine, whatever you want to call that energy lives inside of me, and it’s a part of me, and I’m in a part of it.

But I’m not God. The reason why I say I’m not God is because I’m not omnipresent and I’m not omnipotent. I do not know past, present, and future of all things. So me saying I’m going to try to manifest something is me saying in that moment that I know what’s good in this moment and that I know what’s going to be the goodness of For all in this situation.

But in reality, this is, this is a silly example, but say my dear friend, her utmost desire is [00:55:00] to, is for spiritual evolution and a deep connection to God in the divine. Okay. and she gets cancer. Okay. My friend gets cancer and I want to do some sort of prayer, some sort of spell, some sort of practice, some sort of magic in order to help take away her cancer because I want to help take away her cancer.

Right. But what if the healing, what if that journey of cancer was going to be what led her to her ultimate goal? Okay of knowing God and having that deep relationship with the divine and if she was healed from cancer tomorrow She wouldn’t go on that journey. So whether or not it looks like it from the surface Cancer was actually a gift from the divine for her To get that lesson for her to learn that lesson for her to [00:56:00] go on that journey right as her path as her path Right.

So so because of my own Journey in my own path. I believe that I Don’t know what is best I can, I can do what feels best in the moment, but ultimately, my prayer and my, my intention behind All of my practices is may this serve in the well being of all. And so I’m at the point now in my own witchy practice where I’m never trying to make anything happen.

Right. I’m not trying to manifest anything anymore because per my, my own journey, that would be me saying that [00:57:00] somehow. I know better and I don’t. And so it’s me presenting an aspect of humility within my own practice. And, and, and like, and the interesting thing is, is, is. Anyone who goes on a spiritual journey is going to develop what’s called a city in, in Hinduism or yogic philosophy.

A city is a spiritual superpower, okay? No matter whether it’s meditation, chanting, sex magic, whatever. You’re going, if you commit to a practice, you’re going to develop a city, okay? And it’s very, very tempting in, in, in a part of the journey to start wondering. What could I do with this,

Callie Dee: right? What could I

Aubrey: do with this power, right?

And the ego is really tricky. The ego has lots of layers of voices, and I don’t know about your ego, but my ego likes to [00:58:00] believe that my intentions are always the most pure. Oh, of course. My intentions are always the most pure. I never have any self centered intentions behind it. I’m a Leo. I’m just naturally

Callie Dee: self centered.

Oh, right. I don’t have that. Like, I already know.

Aubrey: Right. Well, I, a part of my story is like, I don’t think, you know, I’m like, I have fairy nature inside. Like, I’m all pure love and light until I’m not. Right? Right. And so I have a friend who is a weather witch, okay? They can control the weather patterns through his, his, his energy.

And when he started to realize this, he started to play with it. And one day he was like, I’m going to call in that storm. And I’m gonna start, and he’s just playing with it, right? Just seeing, like, to see what, this is a fun game, I’m just gonna, well, guess what? His neighbor’s house got fucking hit by lightning.

Oh, shoot. Right? He was just playing. It was just fun. It was just pure. But it fucked up [00:59:00] some shit, right? And, and my teacher will say is, your existence creates suffering to people around you. Whether or not you’re meaning to or not, okay? I’m walking through the grass not thinking I’m doing a damn thing wrong, but I’m walking and killing ants as I’m doing it, not realizing it, right?

I’m killing a part of nature as I’m just mindlessly going through my thing. It’s not in my intention to do so, but I’m fucking some shit up for some other, some other beings as I’m doing it. So it’s just the whole idea of, of. Even though we think our intentions are really pure, they’re probably gonna be fucking some shit up for some other people.

Even though we don’t realize it, even though they’re not in our vicinity, you know, there is a butterfly effect to everything, right? There’s a butterfly [01:00:00] effect to everything. And I might do some sex magic to manifest that job and that may help me and my family right now in this moment, but it might have taken it away from the person who really needed it more than me and really damn somebody else.

Right? Right? So, so. Sex magic for manifestation is very in vogue and I totally get it and I understand why people would want to play with it because it’s fun to see what your will can bring. Right. And I just want to warn anybody who’s listening that it’s a slippery slope. Yeah. So

Callie Dee: be mindful of that. And I think it’s also it’s a good excuse to have meaningless sex as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause that, that’s really how I’ve, I’ve heard a lot of. People use sex magic. They’re like, Oh, I just have him for sex magic. And it’s like, Oh, you can have just like a Non partner for

Aubrey: that. Okay, we’re taking on the karmas of every person you have sex with because your energies melt [01:01:00] Mingle there’s more going on than what we see, you know So it’s definitely not a popular stance on it and teach their own You know if it if it slows you down and brings you peace Then it’s the path for you.

So you don’t got to listen to what I have to say. My journey is my journey, right? It slows me down and brings me peace. And so it, I found something that works for me. And so I share what works for me with other people, but there are so many other forms of sex magic that work for other people. Just like there are so many other forms of Christianity that work for the Christians.

You know? Right. Huh. So you find something that brings you peace and brings you joy and, and, and I, I would, I would tend to say maybe helps you leave your environment a little bit better than when you found it. Definitely.

Callie Dee: Well, I really enjoyed this conversation. You’re a very lovely person [01:02:00] and can I say that you’re, I mean, and I hate it, people tell me this all the time, so.

You’re so much more beautiful in person. Like, and I’m not saying that you don’t, you know, present yourself that way online. But I think, you know, and I get that stuff all the time where I’m like, I guess that’s better than the opposite. Right. But anyway, just wanted to let you know that.

Aubrey: Well, what you see in me is the qualities you also have sister.

We’re just a reflection here of each other and we can see more each other more clearly without all of the devices in between.

Callie Dee: So go ahead and let the listeners know how to follow you if you have anything coming up as far as workshops.

Aubrey: Sure, yeah so I’m in all the places online, you know, Facebook Instagram.

Honestly, okay, so you’ll find me on as either Aub, the first three letters of my name, Aub Warren, or Aubrey Monk Warren. What I have coming up… Y’all, I really hope that you read my book. I really hope you’re interested in [01:03:00] that. You can go to www. AubreyWarren. com You can find guided meditations on there.

You can find yoga practices on there but right now honestly Backwoods Music Festival has been, is my baby right now. So I was the resident yoga teacher for, this is this music festival that happens up in the Ozarks in Arkansas and on Mulberry Mountain, which is this most beautiful and magical venue.

And I’m the event director for it, but I also teach workshops and so on like that. And it’s my intention right now in my forties to make sure my energy is as potent as I can, which means minimizing the places that I spread it, you know, felt that right. Right. So spirit whispered a little bit, not too long ago that.

If I quit teaching regular classes and workshops that my energy [01:04:00] will be more potent when I’m at the big events. So I invite you to check out Backwoods Music Festival because I will be teaching a sex magic workshop there again and find me online and we’ll go from there because right now all I’m worried about is pushing this baby of a book out of me, planning my book release and From there, I’m sure there will be a couple’s retreat because like I said, I was doing women empowerment retreats up until then, but I literally stopped and paused and promised myself that I wouldn’t do any more of the stuff until this book was done so I could focus my energy.

Right. And once I have this. To be able to hold in my hands it will be the tool that I use for the retreats and so on, but I do want to plant the seed in the mind for any of the listeners who are intrigued by any of this. Once the book is released, it’s my full intention to host a online book club.

Where we’ll [01:05:00] be meeting monthly for 14 months, actually going through each chapter one at a time. And at the end of every chapter, I have what I call going deeper questions. So you’re able to reflect on the story that I shared and go into your own story and dive deeper into your own psyche. So the intention via the book club is to hold space.

for the women who really want to dive deep into this work because they say that healing is more pronounced when it’s witnessed by another. Yeah. So, oh, also I host monthly women’s circles at Keller Yoga. So if you, if you want to come and venture over to Keller, I invite you to search out whether it be on Facebook or online, Red Tent Women’s Circles.

Okay. So if you’re in Dallas, Fort Worth. You can come visit me at Keller Yoga once a month and we hold space and we dance and we share and we [01:06:00] talk about these sorts of subjects.

Callie Dee: I love it. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. And I love the chapters that you gave me. We could have gone on forever about a lot of the stuff that was just the, the chapter titles.

So I’m sure your book is going to be amazing and I can’t wait to read it when it comes out. And I’ll probably join you at the Red Tent thing because I feel like I can dedicate at least one day a month. It’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to dedicate more than that. And it’s not

Aubrey: even a day. It’s like three

Callie Dee: hours.

Well, there you go. It’s three hours. Thank you for

Aubrey: that. Yeah. And I like to say, I don’t say this too much like out loud online, but when I meet people face to face, which now it’s out there, I like to say that I host the local coven. So, so for anybody who feels witchy, it is like the only place in my regular day to day life that I say I’m a witch out loud.

And I practice saying it there, right? Because it’s scary to say it out in the public, you know?

Callie Dee: For sure. Yeah. I feel that. Anyway, thank you again for coming and all of our [01:07:00] listeners. You can follow me at Kali underscore D, the Smitten Kitten podcast. And then if you enjoyed this, make sure you hit the like, subscribe, follow all that kind of good stuff, depending on where you’re listening to us.

And we will see you next

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love: Unraveling the Depths of Human Connections

Love, the enigmatic force that has inspired poets, artists, and philosophers for millennia, has been the subject of extensive research in the field of psychology. One influential theory that attempts to understand the complexities of love is Robert J. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. This theory posits that love can be broken down into three fundamental components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. By combining these elements in various ways, Sternberg presents us with a comprehensive map of love’s many facets and the various types of relationships that can emerge. We will delve into the six combinations of Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and explore what they mean for our understanding of human connections.

1. Consummate Love:

Combination: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment

At the pinnacle of Sternberg’s triangular model, we find consummate love – the most complete and profound form of love. This type of love embodies all three components: emotional intimacy, intense passion, and unwavering commitment. Consummate love is often the ideal that many seek in their romantic relationships, representing a deep and lasting connection between two individuals. It requires effort, communication, and compromise to maintain, but when achieved, it can lead to long-lasting and fulfilling partnerships.

2. Romantic Love:

Combination: Intimacy + Passion

Romantic love is characterized by emotional intimacy and intense passion, making it an intoxicating and exciting experience. This type of love is often associated with the early stages of a relationship when the couple is infatuated with each other. However, without a strong commitment component, romantic love may struggle to endure over time. It can evolve into other forms of love or fade away if not nurtured and developed.

3. Companionate Love:

Combination: Intimacy + Commitment

Companionate love emphasizes deep emotional intimacy and commitment without the presence of intense passion. This type of love is often found in long-term, stable relationships, such as friendships or long-term marriages. While the fiery passion may not be as strong as in romantic love, the emotional bond and commitment lead to a profound sense of closeness and mutual support.

4. Fatuous Love:

Combination: Passion + Commitment

Fatuous love is characterized by intense passion and commitment but lacks emotional intimacy. In this type of relationship, individuals may be infatuated with each other and commit quickly without truly knowing each other on a deep emotional level. These relationships can be risky as they may lack the foundation of understanding and emotional connection needed for long-term success.

5. Infatuation:

Combination: Passion

Infatuation represents the most basic form of love, solely driven by intense passion without emotional intimacy or commitment. This form of love is often fleeting and can be based on physical attraction or a fleeting desire. Infatuation may lead to other forms of love, but without the other components, it is unlikely to sustain a lasting, meaningful relationship.

6. Empty Love:

Combination: Commitment

Empty love is characterized by commitment alone, lacking both emotional intimacy and passion. This form of love may arise in long-term relationships where the initial passion has diminished, leaving only the commitment to keep the relationship intact. In some cases, couples in empty love may decide to work on rebuilding emotional intimacy and passion to rekindle their connection.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love provides a valuable framework for understanding the multifaceted nature of human connections. By breaking love down into three essential components – intimacy, passion, and commitment – we can better comprehend the diverse combinations that form the basis of our relationships.

From the profound and all-encompassing consummate love to the fleeting infatuation, each type of love has its unique characteristics and implications for our lives. Understanding these combinations can help us navigate our relationships more consciously, fostering emotional intimacy, cultivating passion, and nurturing commitment to create lasting and fulfilling connections with others.

Remember, love is a dynamic force that can evolve over time. By recognizing the different components of love, we can actively shape and nurture our relationships to foster deeper and more meaningful connections with those we hold dear.

Unlocking the Secrets of Human Mating: Exploring Common Practices Across Cultures

Professor David Buss is a renowned evolutionary psychologist who has conducted extensive research on human mating practices. His study, which involved data from 37 cultures, revealed several common mating practices observed across different societies. Here are some of the key findings:

1. Men’s Preference for Youth and Beauty: Buss found that men, across cultures, tend to prioritize youth and physical attractiveness in potential mates. This preference is likely rooted in evolutionary instincts related to reproductive fitness.
2. Women’s Preference for Status and Resources: Buss’s study also highlighted that women, across cultures, tend to value men with high social status, resources, and ambition. These attributes are seen as indicators of a man’s ability to provide for and protect potential offspring.
3. Men’s Desire for Multiple Partners: Buss found that men, on average, have a greater desire for multiple sexual partners compared to women. This pattern aligns with evolutionary theories, such as the desire to maximize reproductive success by mating with multiple partners.
4. Women’s Selectivity in Mate Choice: The study revealed that women tend to be more selective when choosing a mate compared to men. Women prioritize qualities like financial stability, ambition, intelligence, and emotional commitment, which are seen as indicators of a man’s ability to invest in a long-term partnership and provide support.
5. Men’s Focus on Physical Attractiveness: Buss’s research indicated that men consistently place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness in potential mates. This preference aligns with the idea that physical attractiveness can be indicative of reproductive health and fertility.
6. Women’s Focus on Resources and Commitment: Buss found that women prioritize traits such as resources, social status, and commitment in potential partners. These characteristics are seen as indicators of a man’s ability and willingness to invest in a long-term relationship and provide for offspring.

It’s important to note that while these patterns emerged across cultures in Buss’s study, they are general trends and may not apply to every individual within a given culture. Individual preferences can vary widely, and cultural and societal factors can also influence mating practices to some extent.

Exploring the Intriguing Link Between Evolutionary Psychology and Dating

The intricate world of dating has captivated and confounded humans for ages. Why are certain characteristics more desirable than others? How do we navigate the complex dance of attraction and mate selection? While the answers to these questions may seem elusive, evolutionary psychology offers fascinating insights into the underlying dynamics of human courtship. By examining the ways in which our ancestors’ survival and reproductive strategies shape our dating behavior today, we can gain a deeper understanding of our romantic choices and preferences.

Understanding Evolutionary Psychology:

Evolutionary psychology, a branch of psychology that studies human behavior through the lens of evolution, suggests that many of our psychological and behavioral traits have been shaped by natural selection. According to this perspective, our ancestors’ successful reproductive strategies have left imprints on our psychology, influencing our preferences and behaviors in the context of dating and mating.

Mate Selection and Attraction:

One fundamental aspect of evolutionary psychology in the context of dating is mate selection. It is proposed that men and women have evolved different criteria for choosing mates due to the different reproductive challenges they faced throughout evolutionary history. Men, who invested less in reproduction compared to women, tend to prioritize physical attractiveness, as it indicates fertility and good health. On the other hand, women, who bear the burden of pregnancy and child-rearing, often prioritize resources, status, and signs of long-term commitment in their potential partners.

The Role of Evolutionary Psychology in Dating Preferences:

Evolutionary psychology sheds light on various specific preferences observed in modern dating. For example, men’s preference for youthfulness in women can be explained by its association with fertility and reproductive potential. Women’s inclination toward men with resources and high social status can be attributed to their ancestral need for support and protection for themselves and their offspring. Additionally, the concept of “mate value” arises, where individuals evaluate potential partners based on traits that signal genetic fitness, such as physical attractiveness, intelligence, and personality characteristics.

The Influence of Evolutionary Psychology in Modern Dating Behavior:

While evolutionary psychology provides a framework for understanding dating preferences, it is essential to acknowledge that our modern world and societal changes have introduced complexities that may challenge some of these ancestral instincts. Factors such as cultural influences, individual experiences, and personal values can shape our dating behavior beyond evolutionary predispositions. Nonetheless, evolutionary psychology offers valuable insights into our innate desires and motivations.

Exploring the link between evolutionary psychology and dating reveals intriguing patterns in our romantic preferences. By recognizing the evolutionary origins of certain behaviors and preferences, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our choices in the realm of dating. While evolutionary psychology provides valuable insights, it is important to remember that we are not slaves to our evolutionary past; we have the capacity to shape our own dating experiences and make choices that align with our individual values and aspirations. Ultimately, understanding the interplay between evolution and dating can enhance our self-awareness and contribute to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Unraveling the Theories of Attraction: Evolutionary, Matching, and Psychodynamic Perspectives

Attraction is a complex and fascinating aspect of human relationships that has been studied from various perspectives. In this blog post, we will explore three prominent theories of attraction: evolutionary theory, the matching hypothesis, and psychodynamic theory. Each of these theories offers unique insights into the factors that shape human attraction, shedding light on our complex and diverse experiences of love and desire.

1. Evolutionary Theory: Evolutionary theory suggests that our attraction to potential partners is influenced by the principles of natural selection and reproductive success. According to this theory, individuals are attracted to traits in potential partners that signal good genetic fitness and the ability to produce healthy offspring. These traits may include physical attractiveness, fertility cues, and indicators of social status and resources.

Evolutionary psychologists argue that men are generally attracted to physical features that indicate youth, health, and fertility, such as clear skin, symmetrical facial features, and an hourglass figure. This preference is believed to be rooted in our evolutionary past, where these features were associated with better chances of reproductive success.

Women, on the other hand, are thought to be attracted to men who display signs of resources, status, and the ability to provide for offspring. This preference is believed to have evolved as a means of ensuring the survival and well-being of their children. However, it is important to note that attraction is a complex interplay of various factors and is not solely determined by evolutionary forces.

2. Matching Hypothesis: The matching hypothesis proposes that individuals are more likely to form romantic relationships with others who are similar to them in terms of attractiveness, social background, and other relevant characteristics. This theory suggests that people seek partners who are within their own “league” or attractiveness range, as this increases the likelihood of acceptance and relationship satisfaction.

The idea behind the matching hypothesis is that individuals aim to minimize the chances of rejection and increase the potential for long-term compatibility. When people perceive themselves as having similar levels of attractiveness to their partner, it contributes to a sense of equity and reduces feelings of insecurity.

While the matching hypothesis highlights the importance of similarity in attraction, it is worth mentioning that other factors, such as shared interests, values, and personality traits, also play a significant role in relationship formation and longevity.

3. Psychodynamic Theory: Psychodynamic theory emphasizes the role of unconscious desires, childhood experiences, and internal conflicts in shaping attraction. According to this theory, our early experiences with parents or caregivers influence our later relationship choices.

Psychodynamic theorists argue that we are drawn to partners who resemble important figures from our past, particularly our parents. This phenomenon, known as “repetition compulsion” or “repetition complex,” suggests that we unconsciously seek out relationships that allow us to reenact and potentially resolve unresolved emotional issues from our childhood.

Additionally, psychodynamic theory proposes that attraction is influenced by unconscious needs and desires. For example, individuals may be attracted to partners who possess qualities or characteristics that they lack themselves, representing an unconscious desire for integration and wholeness.

Theories of attraction provide valuable insights into the complex interplay of factors that influence our romantic relationships. Evolutionary theory suggests that our attraction is rooted in the principles of natural selection, while the matching hypothesis emphasizes the importance of similarity in attractiveness and relevant characteristics. Psychodynamic theory highlights the role of unconscious desires and childhood experiences in shaping attraction.

It is important to recognize that these theories are not mutually exclusive and that attraction is a multifaceted phenomenon influenced by a wide range of factors. By understanding the underlying theories, we can gain a deeper appreciation for the complexities of human attraction and foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Paraphilia and When a Fetish Crosses the Line

Paraphilia and fetishes are topics that often spark curiosity and intrigue, as they delve into the realm of human sexuality. However, there is a point at which a fetish can cross a line, leading to potential harm or ethical concerns. In this blog post, we will explore the concepts of paraphilia and fetishes, understanding their definitions, and discussing the importance of consent, boundaries, and responsible exploration.

1. Understanding Paraphilia: Paraphilia refers to sexual interests or preferences that deviate from societal norms. These interests can be intense and persistent, often necessary for sexual arousal and satisfaction. Examples include BDSM, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and more. It is essential to note that not all paraphilias are harmful or problematic.
2. The Nature of Fetishes: A fetish involves an intense fixation on a specific object, body part, material, or activity that is necessary for sexual arousal. Fetishes can vary widely and may range from foot fetishes and role-playing scenarios to specific clothing items or even inanimate objects. Many people have fetishes, and as long as they are consensual and do not cause harm, they can be a normal part of one’s sexuality.
3. Consent and Communication: Consent is the cornerstone of any healthy sexual relationship or exploration. When discussing fetishes or engaging in paraphilic activities, it is crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner(s). Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and informed, ensuring that everyone involved is comfortable and has clear boundaries.
4. Recognizing Crossing the Line: While fetishes are generally harmless and consensual, there are situations where they can cross a line. This typically occurs when they involve non-consenting individuals, illegal activities, or cause physical, emotional, or psychological harm. It is important to distinguish between healthy exploration and behavior that violates ethical or legal boundaries.
5. Seeking Professional Help: If a fetish starts to cause distress, interfere with daily life, or lead to harmful behavior, seeking professional help is advisable. Mental health professionals, such as therapists or psychologists, can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing paraphilias and exploring healthier expressions of sexuality.

Understanding paraphilia and fetishes is essential for maintaining healthy sexual relationships and exploring personal desires responsibly. Consent, open communication, and respect for boundaries are key factors in ensuring that fetishes remain within ethical and consensual limits. By being aware of when a fetish crosses the line, we can foster a safer and more inclusive environment for sexual exploration and expression.

The Reimer Case and Gender Identity

The David Reimer case is a tragic and highly influential case in the study of gender identity. David Reimer was born as a biological male in 1965. However, due to a medical accident during his circumcision, his penis was severely damaged. The doctors involved in his care recommended that David undergo a sex reassignment surgery and be raised as a girl.

Following the surgery, David was given the name Brenda and was raised as a girl. The intention was to see if gender identity could be primarily shaped by social factors rather than biological factors. David’s case was widely publicized as evidence for the theory that gender identity was malleable and could be changed through nurture.

However, David’s experience as Brenda was extremely traumatic. He struggled with his gender identity from a young age, feeling disconnected from the female identity that was imposed upon him. He experienced significant psychological distress, including depression and suicidal ideation, throughout his childhood and teenage years.

When David learned about his past and the circumstances of his surgery, he made the decision to transition back to living as a male. He underwent multiple surgeries to reconstruct his genitalia and began living as David again. Despite these efforts, he continued to struggle with his mental health and ultimately died by suicide in 2004 at the age of 38.

The David Reimer case had a profound impact on our understanding of gender identity. It challenged the belief that gender identity was solely a result of socialization and demonstrated the complex interplay between nature and nurture in the development of gender identity. David’s experience highlights the importance of considering an individual’s inherent sense of gender and the potential psychological consequences of attempting to alter that sense.

The case also underscored the significance of providing support and resources for individuals grappling with gender dysphoria and affirmed the importance of allowing individuals to define their own gender identity rather than imposing societal expectations upon them.

In recent years, the David Reimer case has played a role in shaping conversations about gender identity, transgender rights, and the ethics of medical interventions for intersex individuals. It serves as a reminder of the importance of understanding and respecting an individual’s gender identity and the potential harm that can be caused by attempts to enforce a particular gender identity on someone.

The Triangular Theory of Love: Decoding the Complicated World of Relationships

Love. Ah, love. It’s the stuff that poets write about, the force that drives us to do crazy things, and the warm fuzzy feeling that makes life worth living. But let’s face it, love is complicated. Fortunately, psychologists like Robert J. Sternberg have attempted to make sense of this tangled web by introducing the Triangular Theory of Love. So, grab a cup of coffee and let’s dive into this fascinating theory that unravels the mysteries of relationships.

So, What’s the Deal with the Triangular Theory of Love? Okay, picture a triangle in your mind. Now, Sternberg suggests that love can be broken down into three main components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These three components form the sides of our love triangle. But wait, there’s more! These components aren’t static; they can change in intensity and importance over time.

Intimacy: The Emotional Glue Intimacy is all about emotional closeness, the warm and fuzzy stuff. It’s that feeling of connection, trust, and understanding that you share with your partner. It’s like having a secret language that only the two of you understand. Intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, creating a sense of safety and support.

Passion: The Sizzle and Spark Passion is like fireworks on a starry night. It’s that wild and exciting feeling of desire and attraction. Passion is what makes your heart race when you see your partner and adds that extra oomph to your relationship. It’s the sizzle and spark that ignites the romance and keeps the flames burning.

Commitment: The Real Deal Now, commitment is where things get serious. It’s not just about saying, “I love you.” It’s about making a conscious decision to invest in a long-term relationship. Commitment involves dedication, loyalty, and a willingness to stick around through thick and thin. It’s the foundation for building a future together.

Different Love Triangles, Different Relationships Here’s where it gets interesting. The proportions and combinations of these three components create different types of love. Let’s explore a couple of examples:

Romantic Love: Picture a love triangle with high levels of intimacy and passion, but low commitment. This is that head-over-heels, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of love. It’s like being on an eternal honeymoon. It’s all about the excitement and infatuation, but it might lack long-term commitment.

Companionate Love: Now, imagine a triangle where intimacy and commitment are strong, but passion takes a backseat. This is the love that deepens over time, like a comfortable old pair of slippers. It’s the love you find in long-term relationships or deep friendships. It may not have the fireworks of passion, but it’s a steady and reliable love.

Consummate Love: Ah, the Holy Grail of love triangles. This is the perfect balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment. It’s the complete package—the ultimate love. It’s when you feel that deep emotional connection, experience intense attraction, and are committed for the long haul. It’s the love that many strive for.

Love in Flux: The Ever-Changing Dynamic Now, here’s the thing: love is not static. It’s a dynamic force that can ebb and flow. The intensity of each component can change over time. Passion might mellow, while intimacy and commitment deepen. It’s a natural progression in many long-term relationships.

Ultimately, we’re All Different It’s important to remember that we’re all unique creatures with different preferences. Some of us may value passion and excitement more, seeking that rollercoaster ride of romance. Others may prioritize intimacy and commitment, seeking stability and a deep emotional connection. The beauty of the Triangular Theory of Love is that it recognizes these individual differences and allows us to understand and appreciate the diverse ways people experience and express love.

In conclusion, the Triangular Theory of Love provides us with a framework to unravel the complexities of relationships. By recognizing the three key components of intimacy, passion, and commitment, we gain insight into the dynamics of love and the varying combinations that shape different types of relationships. Whether you’re experiencing the fireworks of romantic love, the comfort of companionate love, or striving for the perfect balance of consummate love, understanding the triangular nature of love can help us navigate the twists and turns of the intricate world of relationships. So, the next time you find yourself pondering the mysteries of love, remember the love triangle and embrace the beauty and complexity that it represents.